History of the word according to Sandra
April 18, 2013
Both of you that have followed my column for more than a few years know that Sandra, my lovely bride, is a naturalized citizen of the Grassy Knoll Nation. It’s well known that Sandra has never met a conspiracy theory that she didn’t like, and after the sad and bizarre events of this week, I’ve come to doubt everything I thought I knew about human nature and history.
Seriously, my conservative friends contend that the left-wing elite controls the “lame stream media.” My liberal friends claim that Fox Noise and that band of idiots twist the news to meet their agenda. At the end of the day, they are both right.
I just don’t know what to believe anymore … about anything. If I can’t say for sure what happened yesterday, how can any of us say that we really know what happened in the past. Who can say they really know history? Sandra can!
Sandra sees the world through an entirely different prism that your average historian. She doesn’t speculate that the history we were taught in school was bogus; she knows that the history we were taught in school was total and complete BS.
For anyone else out there who might suspect that we are mushrooms (kept in the dark and fed crap) I’ve decided to share the history of the world … according to Sandra.
In the beginning the world was covered by water except for two landmasses, one giant continent and the lost island of Atlantis … of course. Atlantis was the home of a very advanced civilization that served as a refueling stop for passing alien ships.
Sometime later, the island of Atlantis was destroyed and the giant landmass was broken into the seven continents we know today. While there is no written evidence recording exactly why this happened, Sandra suspects a starship attack (a full array of photon torpedoes, no doubt), probably because they raised the priced of fuel once too often.
After the dust settled and the planet looked pretty much like it does today, the aliens returned and built their own gas stations strategically around the globe. This, according to Sandra, is the only plausible explanation for the Great Pyramids, Stonehenge, Easter Island and Little America in southern Wyoming.
About that time the dinosaurs showed up. Sandra explains that while they are super advanced and capable of intergalactic travel, aliens are really creeped out by giant reptiles so they abandoned the Earth for a few hundred million years.
Then about a million years ago, give or take a few millennia, a huge meteor hit Southern Mississippi, creating the Gulf of Mexico and killing the dinosaurs who, apparently, were all down there on spring break at the time.
Fortunately, when the meteor hit, the early humans were living in that really cool underground city in Turkey. To be clear, this amazing, well engineered, advanced dwelling inexplicably carved out of solid rock is thought by that guy with the weird hair on the History Channel (and Sandra) to be an abandoned alien resort.
When the air cleared, the early humans ventured out of the underground city and began to populate the planet. A few wandered south and discovered the Great Pyramids. Later when, Alexander the Great and the Greeks showed up, the locals tried to impress them by claiming to have built the Pyramids themselves … working part tiime … when they weren’t farming … in the Sahara.
They also claimed to have invented geometry and algebra in their spare so Alexander assumed they were either dishonest or crazy so he conquered them, wrote his name on a bunch of stuff and left. It was summer; can you blame him?
Then the Romans showed up, followed by the Illuminati, followed by the Bilderberg Group who reconnected with the aliens in Roswell and together they became “they” and “they’ve” been running the world ever since.
They are responsible for killing JFK, faking the moon landing and cancelling Star Trek. They broke up the Beatles, recruited Elvis and somehow convinced the French that they were still relevant. They are as evil as they are influential.
In the past I would’ve laughed her version of history off, but on the same day some whacko blew up the Boston Marathon, and Dancing with the Stars won its time slot so I’ve got no idea what’s going on anymore.
I think I owe Sandra an apology; aliens building pyramids for fuel isn’t even the strangest story I’ve heard this week. Heck, she could be right.
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist.