More things that are just wrong
April 5, 2013
Some things are just wrong. I'm not talking about the obvious stuff like breaking a Commandment (I'll admit to breaking eight out of the 10) or committing a felony ( I can't comment on advice of counsel), I'm talking about things aren't illegal or technically immoral … but should never happen.
You know the kind of thing I'm talking about … stuff like a middle aged fat guy wearing short-shorts, a tank top and sandals with black socks … OK, any color of socks. There is no way to make that right.
I just saw a commercial on TV for a new show called Bet on Your Baby. Do I even need to comment on that? On what planet is it OK to wager on your toddler's ability to stack cookies in front of a screaming crowd? I've got to believe there is some therapy in the future for these tykes.
I've never been a parent of the year candidate but even I wouldn't have done that to my kids. OK … I'll admit that Sandra and I used to bet between ourselves on which one of our kids was more likely to do whacky stuff. For example, 20 years ago we bet on which of our boys would be the first to stop peeing in the yard. It may seem like the same thing but since neither of us has won yet I don't think it counts.
It's just wrong when high school graduates misuse common words. To quote my daughter, "Their and there, they're different words." Sadly, way too many people will only get two thirds of that joke.
Seeing a man's underwear while he is wearing pants and a belt is wrong on so many levels.
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Wearing a ball cap backwards then shading your eyes from the sun is wrong.
Genetically modified food is wrong and the arrogant *#@&#s from Monsanto modifying the DNA of food crops is more than wrong, but a Congress and president who endorse such madness are nothing short of criminal. If you are looking for a joke in this situation, look at our elected leaders. I'm afraid you'll find it there.
Other wrong things include women who carry dogs in their purse, men who play Frisbee golf, beets, referring to clothes as a "look" or a movie as a "film." Alarm clocks, those stupid machines in public bathrooms that are supposed to blow your hands dry, and cottage cheese are all wrong.
Sugar free candy, light beer and diet root beer are wrong, and I'm pretty sure that caffeine free diet soda is just dirty water. It goes without saying that diet fat free ice cream is a crime against humanity.
Joan Rivers' face is not right. I understand that some rich people choose to chase their youth by getting cosmetic surgery, but Ms. Rivers has taken it a bit too far; she is to face lifts what Rush Limbaugh is to hot air…more is not always better.
George H.W. Bush wanted to kick Ross Perot's butt after the 1992 election. There is almost no doubt that Ross Perot cost George H.W. Bush re-election by splitting the conservative voter base. George H.W. Bush was a war hero, a congressman, ambassador to China, director of the CIA and president of the United States; he's earned the right to kick Ross Perot's butt … but it isn't going to happen. That's just wrong.
It cost me $78 to fill up my truck last week … that can't be right.
It's wrong when the woman in front of me in the checkout line takes a call on her iPhone and complains loudly that someone had scratched her Lexus while we all wait for her to finish her call before counting out her food stamps to pay for her 24-pack of Hot Pockets. It's wrong … but it happens.
Since the turn of the century, it's been wrong for anyone to use the phrase, "harshing my mellow."
It's getting late so I've got wrap this up because I have to get up early tomorrow for work and, you guessed it, that's just not right.
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist.