So much to be thankful
November 28, 2014
Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday because watching football and shameless gluttony are among my favorite things. I do believe, however, that we should all take some time to express gratitude for the good things in our lives … like football and gluttony.
I have often acknowledged that I am among the luckiest guys in the world so I have much to be thankful for. We live in a world where we can get a chili-cheeseburger served to us while watching a game in a sports bar or in a drive through without ever leaving the car, and I am very grateful for that.
I'm thankful for my TV remote because of it, I will never have to listen to Rachel Maddow or Bill O'Reilly again. If I hide it from my wife well enough, I'll never have to watch Bravo, the Sci-fi channel or anything with Renee Zellweger in it again, and that's something to be grateful for.
To the best of my knowledge there is only one incredibly tolerant drop-dead gorgeous woman in the world who is good at everything I suck at and, despite my best efforts, I have been married to her for 28 years. She could do so much better, probably even land a guy with a steady job, and I am so thankful that she hasn't figured that out yet!
I'm grateful for Kansas — the state and the band.
Believe it or not, I'm thankful for my ex-wife. We had our differences, but she gave me a beautiful daughter and introduced me to the magic of a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce, mayonnaise and pepper … I'm probably enjoying one as you're reading this.
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I'm thankful that I grew up during the era of real muscle cars and came of age working on F-14 Tomcats. I had the chance to experience 400 cubic inches of American made power on the open road and to feel the raw thrust of Tomcat in full afterburner before they were replaced with toy cars and plastic jets. I'll be forever grateful for that.
I'm really grateful for free will despite using it so poorly. I've made more than my share of bad choices over the years; streaking a basketball game in high school, pretty much everything I wore in the Seventies, buying a used Vega and not buying stock in Samuel Adams beer when it was first offered. Still, I'm thankful that those were my choices; it would have really ticked me off if someone else had made me streak a basketball game!
I give thanks to the old movie channel on TV for the chance to watch Casablanca and Cool Hand Luke instead of watching the Real Housewives of Dubuque or being forced to turn off the TV and have a meaningful conversation with my wife. I know that might sound outrageous … but there really is a place called Dubuque.
I'm thankful for the interstate highway system because you never know when you might need to change time zones or jurisdictions in a hurry and it really sucks to get stuck behind a slow truck on a two lane road.
I'm grateful to writers like Mark Twain, Lewis Grizzard and Dan Jenkins for writing funny stories and eliminating any ambition I may have had to get a real job. Those guys are my heroes!
I'm equally thankful to the US Navy for giving me the credentials I need to get paid as a consultant because I'm not Mark Twain, Lewis Grizzard or Dan Jenkins.
There are just so many things to be thankful for such as pizza delivery, microwaves, Elizabeth Hurley, the Shelby Cobra (any Shelby Cobra), the NFL and indoor plumbing. The world is a better place because of all of these things, and I am grateful!
There can be no real civilization without ice cream: We should all be thankful for ice cream because without it there would be only darkness and chaos. That may sound a bit dramatic but frozen yogurt can't sooth the savage beast or make an angry man sit back and consider all that is good and plenty forever and ever; only ice cream can do that and I'm grateful.
Today I'm very thankful for sweatpants because it's time to loosen them up a bit and indulge in that turkey sandwich and then top it off with a slice of apple pie … with ice cream of course.
I love Thanksgiving!
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.