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July 11, 2013
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We're surrounded by stupid

The world is full of stupid stuff. Every time I think I’ve seen the dumbest thing ever, I stumble across a reality show, Fox News or a dog wearing a sweater and I realize there is no end to stupid.

Just this week I read about some dumb teenager who got drunk and broke into some cars. While petty theft is rarely a bright move, it’s particularly stupid when you leave your cell phone in the victim’s car.

It gets worse. When the victim discovered her car had been burgled (I’ve always wanted you use that word ... burgled ... sometimes I crack myself up) she found the cell phone laying on the driver’s seat. The good news is that she decided not to call the cops; the bad news is she decided to call the kid’s mom instead. Harsh ... right?

The rest of the story plays out like a wanna-be gangster teenager’s worst nightmare. He ended up knocking on the door of all of his victims, returning the stolen goods and apologizing while his stern looking mother stood on the curb with her arms crossed.

I haven’t been a teenager for over 30 years and I still shudder at the thought of a public ear boxing by my mother ... the price he paid for his stupidity was pretty high. It usually is ... ask John Edwards or Ted Haggard.

Random stupid stuff includes:

Drive through ATM’s with braille buttons on the keypad.

Shading your eyes with your hand while wearing your ball cap backwards.

Ordering a diet soda to wash down your double bacon cheeseburger.

Any movie with Steven Segal ... seriously.

Expecting gun control laws to reduce violent crime; criminals, by definition, aren’t overly concerned with laws.

Anyone who believes that an “herbal supplement” will enlarge and energize your “manhood.” That stuff doesn’t work and it give me gas ... I mean can give you gas ... I’ve heard that it gives guys gas. Never mind ... it’s stupid.

Adult males wearing skinny jeans.

Sarah Palin, Joe Biden and Rush Limbaugh ... come on ... you know it’s true.

Fake eyelashes. Seriously ladies ... there’s an outside chance a guy might notice that you have eyes but there’s virtually no chance that he’ll notice your eyelashes. If he does, there’s a good chance he has fake eyelashes himself ... just saying.

Diving a Smart Car on the freeway is anything but smart.

The TSA.

People who debate the details of the zombie apocalypse ... there is no zombie apocalypse ... there isn’t going to be a zombie apocalypse ... it doesn’t matter why zombie’s never poop or why some of them can’t open doors and others can climb fences.

Crossovers; they’re not really an SUV, they’re not even a decent van ... but they are stupid.

Anyone who believes that fashion is “important.” Curing cancer is important, feeding children is important, winning the AFC West is crucial but fashion is just a trendy way to cover your butt.

Anyone who tattoos a sweetheart’s name on their forearm before the age of ... well death. I know way too many guys who had to only date women named “Karen” because of a moment of poor judgment in their 20’s. Stupid sticks.

Guys who try to understand women. Women are smart, sensitive, have an unnatural attention span and memory, so they always remember what you did wrong and care enough to stay mad. It’s stupid to try to understand that ... you’re lucky to even survive it.

I could go on and on. I haven’t mentioned cosmetic surgery, lite beer or TV evangelists; there is no shortage of stupid. Old guys trying to be young are stupid, young girls trying to look older are stupid; heck I’ve said at least ten insensitive things that ticked off my wife this week…and I’ve been married for 26 years ... how stupid am I?

The good news is stupid isn’t fatal. Somehow most of us survive our stupidity; shoot, even Johnny Knoxville is still alive so I like my odds ... unless Sandra reads this. Dang it! I did it again.

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The Nevada Appeal Updated Jul 11, 2013 06:31PM Published Jul 11, 2013 06:36PM Copyright 2013 The Nevada Appeal. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.