Aliens have landed

Some headlines catch your eye, don't they? Even if you are pursuing the normal course of your life, and are perhaps determined to stop your mind from wandering at any cost, a well-written headline can attract the attention of even the most determined soul.

Large fonts are a favorite technique used to trap you. A short word will be large enough to span the front page and proclaim loudly, "Look at me, I am here!" My problem comes when I give into the urge to look and find out the headline is attached to a tabloid newspaper.

Recently, while standing in line at one of our local supermarkets, I was ambushed by a tabloid headline about a woman from Nevada who claims the America government is involved in a conspiracy to cover up the existence of aliens visiting the earth.

Now, many of my friends will tell you that I have little time for conspiracy theorists. I simply do not buy into the "New World Order" or the evil and nefarious fabricated plotting of the Council on Foreign Relations.

Besides, here in Carson City, we have enough loonies that belong and believe in the Great Masonic-Illuminati-Club of Rome-Bilderbergers-They're Coming To Take Us Away. Ha! Ha! - Good Time Revival Kazoo and Cowbell Marching Band and Fraternal Order. If you don't believe me, ask Nevada Appeal columnist Guy Farmer!

Clinton and the government are involved in a conspiracy with aliens? The same Clinton who couldn't hide a bad condominium deal called Whitewater? Is this the same Bill Clinton who could not hide the fact that a 21-year-old intern was servicing him in the Oval Office? Given his past failures at trying to hide things from the American public, am I really supposed to believe he is hiding the mothership from the planet Zorkdon?

If aliens from another galaxy are visiting earth, I am not really impressed or frightened. I am not sure we have much to fear or learn from a culture that travels thousands of light years across the universe just to mess up our wheat fields and kidnap guys named Bubba Earl from Mississippi swamplands.

Moreover, if they are going to kidnap guys like Bubba Earl, the least they could do for us is to keep them! Of course, I agree with Jay Leno that the state motto for Mississippi should be: "Mississippi! 15 million residents and three last names!" But I digress!

Why does anybody believe the stories about "crashed UFOs?" Are we to believe these super advanced beings somehow negotiated the incredible dangers of the cosmos only to be felled by some tricky crosswind in Roswell, N.M.? Extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof!

But just maybe television is part of the alien conspiracy plot! We will be watching "News Carson City" with Dave Morgan, and Dave will show us the landing of the Big Mamma of all spaceships. It will land on the lawn of the Governor's Mansion, like in the movie, "The Day The Earth Stood Still," and out will step Al Gore and Hillary Clinton who will then rip off their rubber faces only to reveal the hideous truth ... that they are still Al Gore and Hillary Clinton! Hey! It could happen! My psychic friend said so!

However, there are more important things to worry about than your routine and ho-hum alien conspiracy theories.

I think we should get a refund every time "The Cable Company" shows a Police Academy movie. I think C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Channel should merge so that you could actually buy your favorite politician from the comfort of your own home. This would be true campaign finance reform. I think there is too much sex and professional sports and politics! I really think that if you turn down the sound, the video babes and studs on MTV and the Nashville Network are starting to look eerily alike. I think line dancing is a plot to bring back disco! These are important issues! Pay attention!

I am worried that people are actually indulging in bizarre behavior just so they can meet Jerry Springer. I am worried about the mixed morals of people who have both a radar detector and car alarm. Maybe the police should hand out car alarm detectors to criminals just to even the playing field.

I wonder if "milk does a body good," why hasn't a cow won the Kentucky Derby? I wonder what kind of chair people with "Buns of Steel" find comfortable. I wonder if the Juice Man has any teeth?

What I really wonder about is how homeless Vietnam veterans end up sleeping in boxes and a cowardly draft-dodging philander ends up living in the White House.

Karl Edward Neathammer is a former lay judge and is chairman of the Burke Consortium, a conservative political action committee. He can be reached at 883-3654.


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