Eat beans straight from the can and leave the dirty dishes in the sink for the next six months! Why not throw all of the kitchen garbage on the floor and stomp on it, too?
It's a celebration for people who are poor, bitter and domestically challenged: Martha Stewart has been busted for insider trading.
No more pine cones to be saved for dinner table centerpieces. Open up that bag and hurl those pine cones, one by one, at passing SUVs and squirrels!
Stewart's mess is much worse than yours, even if you've followed most of the suggestions above. You might throw your back out doing the disembowelment stomp. The squirrel or an SUV owner (in order of importance) might be angry. But none of these acts could be considered a federal offense.
Many people who do bad things get their comeuppance. It appears to be that time for Martha Stewart.
Like the title of her unauthorized biography, Stewart is getting her "Just Desserts." She was charged last week with nine federal counts of securities fraud, providing false statements and conspiracy involving her conveniently timed sale in 2001 of almost 4,000 shares of ImClone Systems Inc. stock.
The day after the sale, the company's stock plummeted because the Food and Drug Administration announced it wouldn't review ImClone's application for a cancer drug, Erbitux.
Oh yeah, the company is owned by a close friend of Stewart's.
The charges could put her in jail for several years, if she is found guilty.
Another reason for her getting comeuppance: She has made homemakers feel inadequate for many years. Most people struggle to keep their homes clean, let alone create handy household items from, say, toilet paper rolls and wads of used chewing gum.
Stewart's name and face are everywhere. On books and magazines and television. Granted, her name and face aren't nearly as prevalent around Carson City since the Kmart closed, but she's still almost everywhere.
Stewart's shenanigans will put people out of work, particularly at Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia and Kmart (the retailer, already troubled, sells thousands of home items under the Martha Stewart name). Investors in both companies likely will lose money, too.
It's not as if Stewart was hurting for cash. She's worth plenty, even though the worth of her empire has dropped dramatically since these stock allegations first became public knowledge.
And being a woman who expects to always be in control -- and a former stockbroker-- it's not as if she didn't know the potential consequences of her actions.
If Stewart is found guilty, perhaps she could spend her free time in federal lock-up doing origami with other inmates' cigarette packages. Or, at least show them how to keep their prison uniforms looking crisp.
Though Martha Stewart is contemptible, there are many people who are pure evil. One of these is facing his comeuppance: Eric Rudolph. Rudolph eluded law enforcement for years until he was caught more than a week ago in North Carolina. He is finally facing charges of killing two people and injuring more than 100 in bombings of Atlanta's Olympic Centennial Park, a gay nightclub and two abortion clinics.
Witnesses said he was in too good a shape to have been living out in the wild constantly. People likely helped Rudolph avoid capture or, at least, helped him take care of himself.
Don't you hate people who really hate it when other people don't believe the way they believe?
I'm not sure exactly how the Olympic Park bombing fits into this religious-zealot-attack scheme of the other bombings. But I do have a couple of theories:
I assume the Olympics was chosen because of the mixing of races, creeds, colors. Rudolph was reportedly a member of an Only-White-is-Right-type "religion."
The Atlanta games site also could have been chosen because it's a gathering of people from around the globe to share a common purpose; in this case, athletic competition. A few Christians see this athletic event as bad because of perceived idolatry and paganism (the medals, the torch, originally a celebration of Zeus, the Greek god).
And there are probably some violent nutbars among those Christians scared of anything that smacks of an oppressive, one-world form of control, such as the United Nations and Trilateral Commission. The Olympics is supposed to bring people together for non-violent competition, which might lead to more understanding and a one-world government.
Something these people really detest.
Here's a thought: Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia has offered up Martha Stewart herself as an idol to be worshipped. This should qualify for religious-zealot hatred.
It's at least worth some plain old disgust.
Terri Harber works on the Nevada Appeal's news desk.