Mom's husband may be manipulative

Dear Annie: Several years ago, my widowed mother married a man who has contributed nothing to the marriage beyond companionship. "Jim" held a series of low-paying jobs, while my mother earned a higher salary and supported them. They both are retired now.

Mom recently received a rather large inheritance from my grandmother. The problem is, their house is falling apart and Jim will not allow her to spend a penny for repairs or housekeeping help, something she easily could afford. I also fear Mom is being neglected in terms of routine health checkups and nutritious meals. I live several hours away and visit when I can, but it's miserable to see her in such condition. I have no siblings to share the burden.

Jim wrote their current will, and Mom signed it without legal advice. Is there anything I can do to make my stepfather use some of Mom's money to pay for her care? I'd pay for it myself, but I can't afford it.

- Heartsick Child

Dear Heartsick: If your mother has her wits about her and has decided that Jim's treatment is just fine, there is little you can do. If, however, you can show that Mom needs someone besides her husband to determine her medical care, you may have a chance at being appointed her legal guardian. Call the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116 (eldercare.gov), and ask what you should do.

Dear Annie: I wanted to weigh in on the comments from "Army Wife Who's Been There." She said returning servicemen need time alone with their wives and children before the rest of the family visits.

I did two tours in Kuwait and Iraq and can verify that what most of us want to do when we first get home is "go hermit." After being surrounded by hundreds of fellow soldiers, you want the privacy and intimacy of your immediate family until you catch your breath and reacclimate yourself to a "normal" environment.

The first few days can be quite stressful, but in most cases, it lasts only a short time. Then you can't wait to see everyone. Thankfully, I had an understanding circle of family and friends who tolerated my eccentricities.

- Been All I Can Be

Dear Been All: Welcome home. Here's more:

Dear Annie: Returning soldiers can easily be overwhelmed by the littlest things. Don't bombard them with responsibilities the minute they walk in the door, and don't be surprised if their personality has changed a bit. Please let military spouses know there is support for them. When soldiers are in the Reserves or National Guard, it is a little more difficult because we don't have the military communities like active duty soldiers do. However, that is why we have Family Readiness Groups. Spouses should take full advantage of these services.

- Seattle

Dear Annie: My son is in the Army and will be returning from Iraq next month for a two-week leave. He is not coming to visit any of his family here, but is going only to visit his wife and kids. The rest of the family is not happy with this and has told him so. We have not seen him in over a year.

He married this girl in a rush before he went overseas, and none of us has met her or her children (from previous relationships). To her, we say: We have spent sleepless nights worrying about him. We have 20 years invested in your husband, so cut us a little slack if we want to see him when he returns.

- Illinois Mom

Dear Mom: Of course you want to see him, and he should make the time. But this is your daughter-in-law. Instead of competing, why not welcome her? Invite her to visit, or take a trip to see her. It's time you met your son's family.