Being a woman on this planet for two decades (OK, three. Oh, all right, nearly FOUR), I've learned that there are certain things that are downright impossible to find.
They are: 1) calorie-free chocolate 2) a bathing suit that makes you look thinner and 3) Manolo Blahnik pumps on the clearance table in your size.
But, that said, I've also learned that you have about a bazillion more chances of coming across any one of those things than finding what's known as the Perfect Father's Day Gift.
Sure, everyone knows that men are notoriously hard to buy for.
Why? I don't know.
It might be because men don't like a lot of overly sentimental stuff. Or perhaps it's because most of the things that men want are either too expensive, too complicated or illegal in several states.
But I think it's because no one knows what in the heck men really want including, well, other men.
OK. OK. Now before you start yelling and thinking this is going to be just another stereotypical male-bashing type of column. It isn't. I mean, let's face it, after a few novelty ties and bottles of aftershave lotion, as far as Father's Day gifts go, we're all pretty much stumped. And I don't mean this as any sort of blanket accusation. I'm strictly speaking from personal gift-giving experience.
So this year to make your Father's Day shopping a bit - ha, ha - easier, I've done a bit of research and, similar to what I offered the world at Mother's Day, I've created a list that I ingeniously call, "Stuff That (Most) Dads Will Love" and "Stuff That Dads Don't Want." As usual, feel free to modify each list as you see fit.
Stuff Dads Don't Want:
A garden gnome.
A glass birthstone angel bear.
A 400-piece romantic magnetic poetry set.
A wind-up dolphin carousel.
Personal hygiene products.
A book with the words "change" and "man" on the cover.
A rooster cookie jar.
More Christmas lights.
Season tickets to the ballet.
Stuff (Most) Dads Will Love for Father's Day:
A bigger big-screen TV
Automatic lawn mower.
A bobble head hula doll.
Electric cord winder.
Mobile navigational system.
A camera that squirts water.
Fake dog poop.
An inflatable deer head.
A T-shirt that says, "I'm perfect just the way I am" on the front.
A set of Billy Bob teeth.
A 17-car garage.
To be told something only once.
A rubber chicken key chain.
A baseball hat with beverage holders.
Eight-track tape player.
An old car that needs work.
Anything requiring power.
One remote control for the TV, lights, sprinkler system, gas log fireplace, garage door and refrigerator.
To lay on the couch all afternoon in peace.
More time to golf.
Straight-line razor tape.
More quality family time.
And, finally: respect.
n Debbie Farmer is a humorist, mother, and the author of "Don't Put Lipstick on the Cat." She can be reached at www.familydaze.com, or by writing firstname.lastname@example.org.