I feel it's my responsibility to inform the public, no matter what the personal consequences to me. So here goes: Valentine's Day is about one emotion, and it ain't love, it's fear.
Women, you fear that your significant other isn't displaying his love enough, and men fear that if we don't jump through the pink crepe-papered hoops, you will stop letting us ride the train to Naked Town.
Therefore, I am forced to theorize that this monstrosity of a holiday was created and is controlled by women, to benefit only women. Men hate Valentine's Day, just on principle.
Sidenote: For every woman who just thought, "not my boyfriend, he loves me and just wants to show it." No, he's just terrified of you. Like those primitive villagers, he sacrifices what he must in order to prevent the gods (that'd be you) from becoming angry and ruining his life.
If that means once a year he has to shell out some cash " knowing full well he's getting the short end of the stick " to keep Queen Crushes-his-Spirit happy, so be it.
Think I'm wrong? Look at the facts.
According to the National Retail Foundation, men on average will fork out $156 for their significant others, nearly double the $85 women spend on average.
It's because we love you, right? Couldn't be more wrong if you were me in a miniskirt, and that's just so incredibly wrong.
Nope, it's because we know that if your gifts aren't up to par with the rest of your friends, the train to Naked Town will be indefinitely closed for "emotional repairs."
In fact, according to a survey by the National Confectioners Association, the only group that is less likely than men to get presents on Valentine's Day is the family pet.
And all it takes to make him happy is the ability to lick himself.
Now, in order to keep this sweet deal going for women, they have bonded together to form several secret organizations tasked with keeping the Valentine's Day machine rolling. I managed to go undercover " by utilizing my ability to wear a miniskirt " and infiltrate them.
The first is the National Association for the Subjugation of External Genitalia, or NASEG.
NASEG includes members from Hallmark, the diamond industry, Hershey's, KY and Macy's. Their job is to keep the estimated $16.9 billion spent on this holiday coming in through the use of fear and intimidation.
To help disguise their intentions, they have partnered with Sisters United in Creating a Kinder America, or SUCKA.
SUCKA hopes to soften the image of fear surrounding Valentine's Day by providing tips for how not to spend money, knowing full well it will backfire and result in the Naked Town exit being closed permanently.
A survey reported by United Business Media found that only 14 percent of women surveyed thought skipping gifts all together was acceptable. When asked what they would be willing to do if they received diamonds, 48 percent said they wouldn't do anything because "they deserve the best on Valentine's Day."
I rest my case.
So before I meet my untimely end at the hands of NASEG agents, let me leave you all with some good advice: Just give in, buy the flowers, and keep the Naked Town Express running on schedule.
Or don't, and end up alone in your living room trying on miniskirts in front of the mirror while asking your reflection if you look pretty.
Think I'm wrong? Tell me about it.