As I scrolled through my e-mail yesterday, I noticed an acquaintance of mine had sent me the stereotypical "reasons why it's better to be a man" list.
You know the one that talks about how little our underwear costs, how we can rent our wedding attire and how when we express our opinions no one claims "it must be that time of the month."
Here's my problem with that list. While it makes some good points, they are all meaningless victories in the grand scheme of life. Like winning a game of billiards against the woman with the eye patch.
Sure, it's fun and you'll brag about it, but how satisfying is it really?
I know it's meant as a harmless, crass joke, but it got me thinking about who really has been dealt the better hand in life, men or women?
I assembled a crack team of investigators for my "think tank," picked up an extra large bag of Funyuns and sat down to figure out this mystery of the universe.
Sadly, after many hours of reflection, I came to the realization that although close, I believe women got the better end of the deal.
Here's my logic: We take every potential downside to both sexes and rank their impact on a sliding scale from Terri Hatcher (slightly annoying) to Sarah Jessica Parker (makes you want to put a gun barrel in your mouth).
After all those results were calculated, my assistant, Earl, put the numbers through a sophisticated equation to reach a final derivative, which was then converted....
"What Earl, I'm trying to explain the sophisticated formula. Yes, I know we are out of Funyuns, and I will get you some later. No, I will not get you the wasabi kind. Why? Because you say they are too hot. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Yes, you ... OK, fine, go get some more Funyuns."
OK, forget the sophisticated formula. The reasoning is simple.
One, women are the gatekeepers. Man goes out at night to the bar or club or bowling alley or sperm bank filled with hopes. Hopes that he will meet someone, hopes that she will like him, hopes she's not a man and hopes that she might go home with him.
Women go out at night with decisiveness. They know how the night is going to go, or where it's not going to go. Like the referee in the booth, the final ruling is hers.
In the power department, men have nothing that compares.
The president of the United States could get shut down quicker than that "Brownie Troop Gone Wild" class project I did in high school.
My second proof lies in the pages of this month's Esquire magazine. Esquire and Marie Claire did a survey to see how people have sex these days. Among the findings was the biggest fears of men and women when having sex with a new partner.
No. 1 for both sexes was HIV, with one in four people ranking it as their top concern.
But the interesting thing was the second biggest fear. For women, it was other STDs, for men it was performance. That was a bigger concern than pregnancy (4th), STDs (3rd), getting emotionally entangled (5th) and the wrath of God (6th).
Coincidentally, for women concerns about their performance ranked fourth.
Why the disparity? Simple. If we (men) are terrible, you can find someone better and give them the key to your gate. If you (women) are terrible, men don't care because we are just grateful to be in that situation.
For women, sex with a new partner is like having a job as a Teamster. Just show up and don't hurt anybody and you keep the job, at least for a while.
So women have the power as gatekeepers and then the confidence in knowing that men are just grateful for the opportunity?
Sounds like a sweet deal to me.
"Yes Earl, I know, but not as sweet as wasabi Funyuns."
Think men have it better? Tell me about it.