Cars are for driving, not decorating

When I was 16, I remember standing in a novelty shop staring at a bumper sticker that said, "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?"

At the time it seemed like a clever idea to purchase and place this sticker on my 1992 Mercury Tracer hatchback that violently shook every time it changed gears and smoked like the vent at a bingo parlor on senior night.

In retrospect, it was a childish, asinine idea that was neither clever nor ingenious.

But I take comfort in the fact that I'm not the only one to put something stupid on their vehicle " recently I have seen a whole host of completely idiotic adornments on the backs of cars that just make me want to rear-end someone, but per my agreement with the courts, I don't.

The new popular thing is to put representations of your family on the backs of cars.

You know the cute drawings of dad, mom, little Johnny, sister Suzy, the dog, the cat, the ferret, crazy alcoholic uncle Roger, the fish, Pedophilie the Clown and so on.

Then if they get really "creative," it's like sandals or basketballs or running shoes or broken condoms to represent the family members.

While I have always thought they were stupid, I understood that it's not my right to tell you what to put on your car. The only morsel of hope I take away from this craze is that I have yet to see one on a car that appeared to be driven by a husband. It's always the wife who displays her pride in family.

It's not that their husbands aren't proud, (although I would be less proud of my future wife if she put decals on her car), it's that we think it's stupid.

Yeah, I'm able to procreate! Good for me!

I look at this bumper decoration as people celebrating something that is not hard to do.

Yeah, I slipped one past the goalie!

Yippee, I took an aspirin!

Ya-Hoo, I turned on a light!

Hurrah, didn't wet myself today!

But yesterday I saw one that just takes the cake. I saw one with a lady and her five cats. No husband (surprise, surprise), no children. Just her and her cats.

Who's proud of that? More importantly, who's proud enough of that to actually think that it's not pathetic?

What's worse, each of the cats had names.

Are you serious, who took the time to actually have these custom made with the names of her little "children?"

I guess I should have expected it. Just as soon as someone starts bragging about their family " someone else gets offended and feels it's their right to prove how proud they are of their cats, or dogs, or fish or whatever else they have personified to help them get through the bitter, sad loneliness that has become their life.

Why don't they just do what I do: Eat an entire can of Cheez Whiz and cry while watching Family Guy reruns.

With all these people bumper bragging, I feel left out. Perhaps I should put my "family" on the back of my car. Yeah, it could be me and, and, and ... um, well.

Crap.

Where's my Cheez Whiz?

Seen something I forgot? Tell me about it.