Stand up for your right " to eat a complete breakfast

You know what really irks me? When people attempt to elevate something above its natural place in the universe. I can't tell if they are delusional or just naive enough to believe that we can't see what they are doing.

Like taking a battered Neon and putting a spoiler on it. Really? Like who is going to actually think your car is fast, the 5-year-old crowd?

I noticed a recent example of this after I started reading an article that promised the best breakfast bargain in Las Vegas.

Now me being a closet fat kid " and let me tell you that is one huge closet " I figured I would check this out in case I decide to visit Sin City in the near future.

Little did I know that the author of this particular article had completely gone off the reservation.

Apparently the best bargain in Vegas " a city built on buffets, cheap food and gluttony (in other words my promised land) " is a $16 continental breakfast.

Jigga " what?

I can't even type that without laughing and it's not my reputation on the line for recommending a $16 continental breakfast.

The author goes on to say that the chocolate-filled pastries made by a chef schooled in France are worth it.

Really? Doesn't Krispy Kreme serve close to the same thing for like $1.99? Now granted most of their "chefs" are schooled in Le Reno, but still.

In my book, continental breakfasts do not equal bargains. They are the lowest form of breakfast available and should remain there.

It's the description used by a motel to denote a toaster, generic white bread, corn flakes, rice crispies and three-day old fruit that is not the color it is supposed to be.

But the problem, as Kate so eloquently put it, is that most of the time you end up eating it because you are frugal. You delude yourself with phrases like "if I eat now, I won't want lunch and can continue on my journey."

Most of us take it one step further and actually grab some items for the road, thinking that if we do get hungry, cold soggy bread products are what we will be craving.

But "continental" is the Chinese food of breakfast ... you are hungry again in two hours. So you got screwed twice " crappy food upfront and hunger pains two hours later.

Now, take my general feelings about this subject and then put it in context of paying $16 for it. Um, no.

My rule is, if I'm paying more than $1.99 for a meal, it had better include something that used to be walking around. In fact, for a $16 breakfast, I'm pretty sure I should get a large chunk of said creature and should have the opportunity to kill it myself.

Who in their right mind goes, "You know those pastries were just scrumptious. So good in fact the three of them I ate were worth FIVE DOLLARS EACH."

Yeah, that's something I'd utter to close friends, uh-huh and then we'll read Family Circus and talk about how it is so "in touch" with today's families.

Now, I know you are asking yourself " why is he making such a big deal about this?

Because this is how crazy starts.

First these loony nut jobs try to convince us that continental breakfast is worth $16, then it's that we should only eat pastries from "schooled" chefs and the epidemic continues until one day we wake up and " BAM " we're French.

Think I'm kidding? Look at what they have done to muffins. Tried to buy a normal muffin recently? Can't do it.

They are either huge or they are excessively small and they have begun listing special ingredients. It's not blueberry, it's farm-grown organic blueberry explosion.

It's not cherry, it's cherry swirl delight.

Bran becomes whole-oat seven-grain surprise.

This is what happens when you let things become more important than they should be.

Think about a future filled with $16 continental breakfasts.

"Thank you for choosing Motel 5, please take advantage of our transcontinental breakfast.

"Transcontinental breakfast? What's on a transcontinental breakfast?"

"We have our premium toaster, designer Caucasian bread, a selection of muffins " the cherry swirl delight are delicious " and some organic locally grown fruit."

"Oh, and cornflakes."

At least some things will never change.


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