By Jarid Shipley
As I was staring lovingly into my love's eyes last night, I came to a realization.
I am totally 100 percent wrong about Valentine's Day.
I know that in the past I have made some silly, typical tough-man-with-a-hard-shell-but-heart-of-gold comments about how I "hate" Valentine's Day.
That was just silliness.
Well, my friends, I am here to say, I'm a strong, proud wom ... uh, man and I can admit when I was wrong.
So take note:
"I am Jarid Shiply," wait that's not right. How does he ... I mean, how do I spell it?
"I am Jarid Shiply and I was wrong."
I know that for weeks now I have been walking around - probably scratching myself - talking about how I was "not doing anything" for Valentine's Day or how I ... uh, I mean Kate, doesn't like Valentine's Day either.
Now, I will admit that Kate is the perfect woman who I love strictly for her mind and ambition, despite the fact that she has a very nice body. I take great pleasure and just can't tell her enough that she doesn't need a body like those anorexic whores in the magazines.
Look, I understand that I may come off as a jerky-jerk - who "hates everything" and "looks at the world with a negative view" and "doesn't clean up his ... uh, I mean my, socks despite the fact that my perfectly level-headed and super cute girlfriend nicely reminds me about a million times a day" - but really I'm a big teddy bear.
So what's changed you ask?
Well, I was talking to a friend of mine and he was all like, "Valentine's Day is the best day ever," and I was like, "Guido, you are totally right and we should totally do something extra nice for the women that we love."
Now, if it were me - Jarid Shiply, big cuddly teddy bear - and I "hated" Valentine's Day, I would totally just go overboard and buy my significant other the one thing I ... uh, I mean she, really wants - jewelry.
That's right my fellow boys, those jewelry advertisements you hear on the radio and see on television are completely true.
I know that if it were me - Jarid Shiply, Mr. Fuzzy-wuzzy - and my significant other didn't buy me jewelry, I'd never sleep with him ... uh, her, again.
Now, don't you go thinking this is just a temporary change of heart or anything silly like that, I mean it.
I am a whole new Jarid Shiply. From now on, when Kate (my super-awesome life partner without whom I would de-evolve to a gas-passing, raw-meat-eating, unclean cave thing) is feeling sad or "blue" I will not make jokes and will instead tenderly hold her while we cry together.
I beg your pardon dear readers, please forgive me while I take care of a personal matter.
What do you mean he is waking up? I put enough sedative in his coffee to knock out a horse.
He is not as big as a horse ... OK maybe a mini horse but still he shouldn't be awake yet. No I don't have any more drugs.
I don't know, he's a clumsy ass, just hit him on the head with something and I'll tell him he fell. Of course he'll believe me, I'm his girlfriend.
I do apologize dear readers, but it appears my time is up for this week. But remember his ... uh, I mean my, new motto:
"Everyone deserves a hug."
Have a wonderful Valentine's Day (buy jewelry).
Tell me your thoughts on Valentine's Day on the Party of One blog at www.nevadaappeal.com/partyofone
• Jarid Shipley is the Features Editor for the Nevada Appeal. Contact him a email@example.com or 881-1217.