Movie awards for me

While channel surfing the other night I came across the Golden Globe Awards show on TV and thought I was watching a rerun of the People’s Choice Awards or a preview of the SAG Awards because it all looks the same to me.

According to the Entertainment Tonight, even though the same movies, actors and directors compete for all of these different awards, they are much different because they are given by different people. Really?

It seems that one of the awards is based on the votes of other actors, while another is based on public popularity and yet another is voted on by some kind of “guild” and, of course, the Oscars are based on votes from an academy that really isn’t even an academy at all. Among real men this is known as meaningless gibberish.

I’ll just come out and say what all guys like me are thinking when our wives force us to sit through one of the Hollywood ego stroking ceremonies. We don’t care about the best lighting in a foreign documentary or the best costume design for the supporting actress in a musical or comedy. We understand that we’re just doing payback time for hogging the remote during the playoff season and appeasing her before March Madness … but we really don’t care which overpaid actor somebody else thinks is better than the other overpaid actors.

If I were giving out awards for movies the categories would be much different. I would give awards to things like best line in a tough guy detective movie, and the winner is Clint Eastwood for “Go ahead, make my day.” Maybe best use of chewing tobacco in a Western, and the winner is Clint Eastwood for nailing a scorpion from horseback in “Outlaw Josey Wales.” Perhaps best direction of a non-human primate in a comedy or musical, and the winner is Clint Eastwood for saying “Right turn Clyde” in “Every Which Way but Loose.”

How about an award for the best John Travolta redemption movie because, let’s face it, after starting off with unwatchable movies like “Saturday Night Fever” and “Urban Cowboy,” he needed to play some decent roles to redeem himself.

The nominees are “Broken Arrow,” “Swordfish” and “Pulp Fiction.” In “Broken Arrow” he plays a crazy Air Force pilot who beats up Christian Slater and blows up a nuclear bomb in Utah. All good stuff considering we’d all like to pop Christian Slater and who wouldn’t want to nuke a piece of the Utah desert ... I know I would!

In “Swordfish” he plays sort of a cooler version of Ollie North who uses illegal activity to fund advancing the causes of truth, justice and the American way. It’s a mediocre movie at best but it does feature scenes of Halle Berry semi-naked so it’s worthy of award consideration.

The winner is clearly “Pulp Fiction” because Travolta’s character, Vincent Vega, is so cool he’s an iceberg. He’s a gangster who drives a GTO convertible, carries a machine gun and rolls his own smokes … a far cry from his disco music and polyester beginnings.

Let’s give an award for the most tolerable chick flick to sit through; the winner is “The Princess Bride” because it has Andre the Giant, the Dread Pirate Roberts and, my personal favorite, Indigo Montoya. Even though it’s a movie about … well … a princess who is a bride, I forget that part every time the cool dude with the sword says, “Hello. My name is Indigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” How awesome is that?

A Lifetime Achievement award goes to Humphrey Bogart for being the epitome of cool in just about movie he ever made. If you think that anyone else could deserves this award do yourself a favor and watch “The Maltese Falcon” or “The Big Sleep” … nobody was ever cooler.

Another Lifetime Achievement award goes to Mel Brooks for making “Blazing Saddles.” There have been a lot of great comedies made over the years and everyone has a favorite, but “Blazing Saddles” is in a class all its own. I don’t think I’ve gone a week since 1975 without quoting a line from “Blazing Saddles” at least once.

How much more entertaining would these stupid award shows be if guys like me got to hand out the accolades? Best smart-aleck comeback by a sidekick or best plunging neckline worn by a supporting actress would be awards guys would watch. “It’s twue, it’s twue.”

Rick Seley is an award-winning humorist columnist.