My lessons in romance

It was Valentine’s Day again almost one week ago and men all over the country made pathetic gestures of romance toward the objects of our affection.

Most American men are pleasantly clueless in the matters of love and romance, which is to say that we stink at all things romantic and we’re OK with that.

Guys are trained that it’s OK to court a girl/woman as necessary until she accepts your ring, tattoos your name on her arm, puts you in the top five on her Facebook account or lifts the restraining order, whichever is applicable to your age, social/economic or psychiatric profile. After that, any outward display of romantic behavior is reserved for Valentine’s Day, anniversaries (you can get away with forgetting these except for the first, 10th and big numbers after that if you get that far) and anytime you mess up and actually say, “Bring me a beer, bitch” out loud.

The courtship rituals of the typical American male consist of finding a girl who does not point at you and laugh or call the police when you show up, remembering her name, showering her with meaningless gifts and pretending to listen to her. If she responds we might present her with some kind of dead or dying plants and hope that she will agree to be seen in public with us so that our friends will assume we are having sex with her.

Because young people might read this I should make it clear that actual sex should never occur until after a legal wedding ceremony has been performed. If my own experience is any guide, the very short period between the wedding and the first time your paycheck is directly deposited into a joint bank account will represent the peak of your marital relations. After that there is a fine line between being romantic and just being tolerated, so any clue we might have gained about romance is lost.

I don’t claim to be an expert in the ways of romance, but I am a veteran of just about every romantic mistake possible. I’ve screwed up every romantic relationship imaginable, and I’m willing to use this space to share my hard-earned lessons about romance with my clueless brethren.

Lesson One: Spend more. Ladies like to know that you are invested in the relationship so spend more time, spend more attention, spend more energy and when all that fails, spend more money. She’ll come around.

Lesson Two: Learn to listen. Studies have shown that emotional intimacy is more important to women than physical intimacy (I know, I don’t get it either, but they don’t like monster trucks or Hooters either, so go figure). So try to at least make her think you care about the emotional gibberish she’s babbling about when she’s sharing her feelings for hours on end. When that fails, see Lesson One.

Lesson Three: Find the right girl. While many great weekends start off with a free lap dance from a stripper named Bubbles-la-Boom, few good marriages start that way. It’s important to find a woman who is a financially secure football fan who likes beer and belching, is drop dead gorgeous and has never heard of Celine Dion. These women are extremely rare, so if you can’t find one it’s OK to settle for a pretty girl with a large trust fund and low expectations.

Lesson Four: Don’t be afraid to say, “I love you.” Just don’t say it too soon. For some weird reason it’s a good thing to tell a girl you love her but a bad thing to tell her before she’s ready to hear it. What’s worse, if you wait too long and tell her too late then she thinks you’re faking it. Don’t try to figure it out. Just give it your best guess and tell her you love her. When you get it wrong, refer to Lesson One again.

That ends the lesson, fellas. I hope your Valentine’s Day went as well as mine. I shared a romantic bottle of Sam Adams with my bride then we belched together and watched Ultimate Fighting Championship on pay per view. After all these years she’s still a pretty girl and she expects so little of me. Watch and learn, boys, watch and learn.

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.