It seems that the older I get more people come to me seeking advice or help with a personal problem. These are generally people who don’t know me very well because my friends understand that I’m about as deep as dishwater but rarely as clear. I guess some folks just assume that old guys with gray hair automatically have some kind of useful life experience and wisdom; clearly these people do not pay attention to Congress.
On the other hand, I am a gray-haired old dude so I’m normally thrilled if anyone is willing to listen to me at all so chances are that I’ll offer my advice … even if you don’t ask for it. You didn’t ask for it, but you can’t run away and I’ve got 750 words to fill so I’m going to share some advice and wisdom with you whether you like it or not.
My dad used to tell me that I should never do anything I wouldn’t do in front of my mother. This is bad advice. Just think of all of the great moments that would’ve seemed inappropriate if your mom was there: your first kiss, your kamikaze drinking contest or first lap dance. My mom has way too much class to hang out with a guy like me! It seems disrespectful to even suggest such a thing.
The word “bra” should only be used as a noun describing a lady’s under garment unless you are a teenager from Hawaii. The word “bro” should only be used when talking to your biological brother or anyone who stormed the beaches of Normandy with you.
Beards are cool … on men.
The “e” in email stands for evidence and your internet history can be retrieved no matter how you try to erase it. Never ask me how I know that.
If you make it to your deathbed without knowing a lawyer or urologist by name, you win!
You can never fully trust a house cat or a woman scorned; always avoid scorned women with house cats.
Never vote for a vegetarian because anyone who lacks the good sense to eat a steak should not be trusted with the serious affairs of state.
Watching a cable news network (Fox, MSNBC or CNN) to learn unbiased news is much like going to a strip club to find intimacy and romance. They are all in the business of telling you what you want to hear and will say anything to keep you there; truth has no place in either industry.
There is nothing more attractive than a woman with a quick wit and a heart of gold … except maybe a woman with a trust fund; trust funds are very attractive.
When struggling with indecision, do something even if it’s wrong. My worst regrets in life aren’t the things I’ve done wrong (and I’ve screwed up large and often); I regret the things I could have done but wimped out on without really trying. For all I know Cindy Crawford would have called me back eventually, but I gave up after a few hundred calls and two restraining orders.
The Department of Homeland Security is nothing more than a very expensive security blanket and should be abolished immediately. The United States managed to get along nicely for 225 years without the unreasonable search and seizure that occurs every day in American airports and we’d still be better off without them. That’s not funny but I believe it would be wise.
When your wife stops talking and doesn’t look angry, never ... ever ask her what she just said. Think about it, if she isn’t angry does it really matter what she said?
Never stop practicing the “Three R’s”: reading, running and romance. It may not make you live any longer but it’ll put some life in your living.
On the other hand, all of this might be a load of horse poop; after all I’m just some guy with gray hair, and everyone knows that all really good advice comes from fortune cookies. I opened one the other day that said, “Be aggressive in all things” … how can you argue with that?
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at email@example.com.