Predictions for an epic 2016

As we look forward to 2016 I think it’s natural to wonder what the new yea will have in store for us. This year instead of wasting time writing New Year’s resolutions that never happen, I’ve decided to make some prediction of things that could happen in 2016 ... but probably won’t.

For the record I’m not a psychic, I don’t know how to read tarot cards and, even though I might have smoked some tealeaves back in the seventies, I claim no special talent or ability for foreseeing future events. If fact I figure pretty much anyone who claims the ability to predict the future is full of poop, and since I’m more full of it than most, I guess I’m as qualified to predict the highlights of 2016 as the next guy.

I predict that there will be a Super Bowl Champion in the Bay Area in February of this year. That’s right, I’m flat out saying that the Lombardi Trophy will be awarded in Santa Clara, Calif., but it won’t be to the Raiders or the 49ers. Take that one to the bank!

If you are a married man, at least once during 2016 your wife will look at you as if you were an alien and think, “What the hell was he thinking?”. If you are a single man, at least once in 2016 you will look at a married couple and think, “What the hell was he thinking?” Write it down, it will happen!

I predict that millions of former high school football players and current couch potatoes will watch Olympic rugby and think, “That’s great! I can do that!” in August of 2016. I further predict that in September 2016 most of those dough boys will be returning to their couches bruised, battered and dreaming of their glory days playing special teams on the high school JV team. Rugby is like sprinting a marathon with a mixed martial artist knocking the crap out of you every ten yards. It’s not for wimps!

In 2016 negative political ads will hit an all time low. This is the easiest prediction of all since it happens every election cycle. I figure at some point an ad from Mrs. Clinton will accuse The Donald of looking at child porn on the Internet while wearing a coat made from the fur of a baby seal that he personally clubbed. I expect Mr. Trump to counter with an ad claiming that Hillary was actually born in the US (we all know he doesn’t care for American women), served as a Kenyan midwife at President Obama’s birth, co-wrote the final episode of The Soprano’s and being the real killer in both the OJ and Amanda Knox murder cases.

I predict that Marco Rubio and Bernie Sanders will produce legitimate campaign ads addressing actual political issues but nobody will notice. Mike Huckleberry or Bumblebee or whatever his name is will win the Arkansas primary, which will convince him that he is still relevant and make him run again in 2020.

Somebody other that Barack Obama will be elected President in 2016 disproving all of the nut-jobs who posted on Facebook that he had secured a third term through Executive Order or magic Muslim Brotherhood Voo-doo …those claims will be ignored as if they never happened. It seems the Internet’s hypocrisy know no bounds (forgive me Doc Holliday).

At some point during 2016, you will be stopped in a construction zone on the freeway where the left lane is closed, and some jerk will pull all the way forward and try to merge in at the last moment. Though he richly deserves to die and you have a shotgun in your truck (because, who doesn’t have a shotgun in his truck) you will not shoot him because street justice is still illegal. Thanks Obama.

In 2016 my wife will finally have had enough and choke me in my sleep. I really hope this doesn’t happen but I’ve been predicting it every year for the last few decades and sooner or later it’s going to happen but hopefully not this year.

There you have it, my predictions for 2016. Print them on a fortune cookie, in a horoscope or however you prefer your phony baloney future predictions. The best part about the future is that it’s not predetermined and absolutely anything can happen; heck Marshall Bruce Mathers III made a living as a rap star so anything is possible!

2016 is going to be epic ... trust me!

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.