Telling it like it’s not

I saw the sun set this morning. I won an Olympic gold medal for boxing.

Bob Saget is very funny, and I love a heaping helping of cottage cheese. I never miss the chance to watch Dr. Phil or listen to rap music. There is nothing I love more than to have long meaningful talks with my wife about our relationship on Sunday afternoon during football season. I am tall and good looking.

These are all what my seventh-grade English teacher taught me were declarative statements. In this case they are all asserted as fact but in truth they are clearly load of horse crap that I might say to confuse, mislead or avoid marital discord but could never say honestly. In real life this is known as lying, in politics it’s known as misquoting or misspeaking.

If I were a politician who was asked about the load of crap I spewed in the first paragraph, I would claim that what I meant to say is that I saw the sun set this evening. I saw the Olympic gold medal match on TV once, Bob Saget is very funny looking, and I heave at the sight of a helping of cottage cheese. I never miss watching Dr. Phil or listening to rap music ... I never do it but I don’t miss it at all. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to avoid long meaningful talks with my wife about our relationship on any day… even during a re-run of a professional bowling tournament. I am tall and good-looking.

Among the few absolute truths in this world are that ice cream is pure goodness, anyone who wears a man-bun is suspect, Steve McQueen was the coolest and a politician will say anything to get votes.

When Hillary Clinton debated Barrack Obama in 2008, she said she was against same sex marriage, strongly supported the Second Amendment and stood firm on her vote to invade Iraq. Four years later while debating Bernie Sanders, she supported same sex marriage, wants stronger gun control, says her Iraq vote was a mistake. Does that make her a shifty politician willing to say anything for approval? Of course it does, but she’s not alone.

People say that we should vote for Mr. Trump because he’s a businessman and not a shifty politician. Really? In 2008, as a businessman, Trump contributed to Hillary’s presidential campaign and in 2012 when Fox News asked The Donald about Hillary Clinton’s performance as Secretary of State he said, “…she really works hard and I think she does a good job.” Now that he’s a political candidate he has declared she was, “…the worst Secretary of State in the history of the United States.”

While an argument could be made that Mr. Trump could be excused because no one really expects the truth on Fox News, the fact is that once someone enters big time politics the truth is what helps you get votes.

The hypocrisy of politicians seems to know no bounds. Former Governor Rick Perry said, ”Let no one be mistaken Donald Trump’s candidacy is a cancer on conservatism and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised, and discarded.” More recently Perry was asked if he would serve as Trump’s Vice President and said, “I am going to be open to any way I can help. I am not going to say no.” I guess if he can’t beat cancer Perry’s solution is to wrap a cigarette in asbestos and spark one up!

Rubio, who a few months ago was laughing at the size of Trump’s hands, released his convention delegates to vote for Trump. Bobby Jindal called Trump a “narcissist and an egomaniac” then subsequently endorsed him, “warts and all.” Famous chubby Gov. Chris Christie once said of Trump, “We are not electing an entertainer-in-chief. Showmanship is fun but is not the kind of leadership that will change America.” That same rotund fellow now routinely campaigns for Mr. Trump and, should Trump be elected entertainer-in-chief, Christie will head up his transition team.

It seems that when you enter politics truth is what you need it to be in order to get votes or to meet your current ambition. It’s kind of like when you get married — truth is what you need it to be to keep your wife happy, but don’t quote me on that … I’ll probably write something completely different next week.

I’d write anything to be clever ... almost.

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at


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