Examining the spam folder

Earlier this week I noticed that my email spam folder contained over 600 unread emails. Yeah, I know, I should delete those more often, but I never open my spam folder just like I never open the junk mail from my mailbox.

I get plenty of junk email in my regular inbox, so I was intrigued by just what kind of sinister nonsense would find it’s way to the dreaded spam folder. I’ve been warned by my IT department (my son Ryan) not to open spam because there are viruses and other nasty stuff in there, so I opened the folder but not the emails ... it is cold and flu season after all.

So I carefully open the spam folder and, to my surprise and delight it’s full of good news and great opportunities! Who knew? Right on the top of list is an email from some guy (or maybe a girl) named Adrian wrote to tell me “The future withholds wonderful things!”

I’m guessing that English is not Adrian’s first language but I sure appreciate that he/she took the time to write me an email warning that wonderful things are not forthcoming so I don’t have to worry about that anymore. To quote Forrest Gump (and you should always quote Forrest Gump), “…one less thing.”

There are two emails in a row from a lady named Esmeralda that simply says, “I can change your life.” Since I never actually open these emails, I’ll never know what Esmeralda had in mind to change my life, but I’d like to think it has something to do with using her witch powers (I’m assuming Esmeralda is a witch’s name) to make me taller and better looking.

Despite what everyone tells me, apparently my reputation as an international playboy exists outside my own head after all. I have several emails in my spam folder from women all over the world looking to date me. There are “Hot Asian Women” and “Brazilian Babes” even “Russian Beauties” wanting to date me! Who even knew there were Russian beauties?

I had always heard that the main difference between a Russian woman and a trash can was that the trash can had a chance to get picked up. Because I checked my spam folder, I can dispel that false rumor!

With all of these international women ready to date me it’s probably a good thing that there are Canadian pharmacies available to sell me all sorts of male performance enhancement drugs. It would be a real bummer if so exotic Latvian lovely traveled all the way here to have dinner with me then watch my after-dinner stand-up routine and my performance was lacking.

I hate it when that happens.

And there are so many great bargains to be had in the spam folder; $500K life insurance for under $14 a month and an FHA refinance offer that could save me thousands of dollars! All I have to do is risk an almost certain computer virus by opening the email and I could be rich!

If I would just take a quick survey Macy’s would give me a $50 gift certificate and Facebook is willing to cough up a cool $500! How bad could a computer virus be? There are riches for the taking and all I have to risk is identity theft ... seems legit.

The deals and opportunities are mind blowing! I can find affordable dental implants, buy a home warranty that covers my roof (why would I want one that didn’t?), I can find rent to own homes or get window replacement estimates in minutes! As if that weren’t enough I can get grocery coupons and a personal reading from someone called Medium Ron. It’s not clear from the email subject line if Ron comes in other sizes.

There’s even more good news in the subject lines like “Yippee! Your Starbucks sample is ready!” I didn’t even know I was waiting for a Starbuck’s sample, but I’m thrilled that it’s ready! Another one reads, “Limited quantities Victoria Secret Samples available” … wait, how did that end up in the spam folder?

Just in case I decide to live dangerously and open one of these emails up, there are also several offers from security services offering anti-virus software. Now there’s a conundrum; is it safe to open a spam email to get anti-virus software?

I know I’m supposed to just delete them all, but you never know when you might need affordable dental implants!

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.