I have often been asked why I have never written a book and the answer is simple; I have the attention span of 9-year-old with a sugar buzz. It’s an effort for me to write a 750-word column on a single subject, in fact, I didn’t even try. Instead, I just wrote down a series of random thoughts that passed through my mind this morning.
No one should ever be held accountable for what they say in their sleep. I’m no shrink but I’m pretty sure that dreams are just the brain amusing itself during it’s time off. I’m told I once shouted, “Don’t ask the fritters, they don’t care” while sound asleep. Those are more likely to be random words generated by off duty grey matter than a deep look into my soul….at least I’d like to think so.
Never trust anyone who doesn’t smile when a baby giggles.
Why is it that I’m younger and better looking in my mirror than I am in pictures? I guess my eyes are willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, but cameras just don’t care.
If you want to get an idea of just how many people there are in Japan consider that at any given moment there are millions of Japanese people in every conceivable tourist location in the world and there are still gazillions of them in Japan. Seriously, right now there’s a Japanese tour group taking selfies in front the Great Pyramids, at Disneyland, in Rome, Paris, Hawaii and even at of the world’s largest ball of yarn and you still could not find an empty seat on a bus in Tokyo. It boggles the mind.
It’s against international law to use e-cigarettes on airliners and yet there is no law against passing gas aboard a passenger jet. I don’t smoke or “vape” but I’d much rather smell the vapors from an electronic cigarette the remnant of some guy’s refried beans. If his green cloud of stench can make my eyes water it can surely be detected by the airline’s fancy vapor detectors and the guilty party held accountable. I’m just saying that, since the technology exists, it should be used for the greater good.
I wonder if my grandkids have ever seen me without facial hair. Now that I think about it I’m not sure my kids have seen me clean-shaven. I never decided to be one of those guys who always wore facial hair but I’m 59 years old and I suddenly realized that I am one of those guys. I wonder if anyone decides to become guys who wear socks with sandals, drive sedans or join bowling leagues or if they just wake up one day and realize that’s who they are. I’m glad I wasn’t one of those socks with sandals guys!
As a general practice, I rarely order steak from a restaurant located on an island or seafood from an eatery the word “barbeque” in its name.
I suspect any man who claims to actually enjoy dancing. I understand tolerating dancing because women like to dance, I even get the urge to nod your head rhythmically or air drum to a rock classic but the concept of actually dancing for fun is alien to me. I automatically distrust any guy who looks good or even natural while dancing…I’m just not buying it.
In many parts of the world it’s considered poor form or even a crime to assault a mime. I avoid these places whenever possible.
Since the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Cubs are playing in the World Series right now, I think there is a good chance the temperatures have dropped dramatically in Hell, which is good news for me. I can finally buy that Maserati I’ve always wanted, I’m pretty sure I can slam dunk a basketball now and I might actually win an argument with my wife!
I wonder if the ancients who drew the petroglyphs on cave walls were considered artists or taggers. Did a drawing of a guy throwing a spear at a wholly mammoth increase cave values or mean that it was time to move to a higher class cave up the hill? Art is such a fickle business.
The good news is that this is why I’ll probably never write a book — the bad news is that this is also why I’ll keep writing this column!
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.