I read the other day that 2017 is the year of the rooster in the Chinese calendar, but it appears that here in the States it’s become the year of the wanker. To be clear, wanker is the nicest word I could think of that comprehensively defines the sniveling, whining, childish, self important, gloating, immature behavior I read about in the newspapers, see on TV and suffer through on social media. Keep in mind that being immature and self-absorbed are my two most endearing personality traits so I don’t say this lightly.
Since I’m barely clinging to my 50s and only have a few more months to even remotely claim to be middle aged, it sickens me to see adult men engaging in this behavior. I never question the behavior of women; I’ve proven to have no expertise in understanding women so I’ll confine my comments to American men everywhere.
I feel it’s my responsibility to once again remind younger men that there is a major difference between being a male over 18 and being a man. I’ve written about this before, but I feel like the men of my generation have somehow failed to pass on the basics of what it is to be a beer drinking, bourbon sipping, income producing, gun toting, womanizing, meat-eating American man. You know, a real man.
If I see one more news segment about some sniveling punk protesting a potential loss of women’s rights, my head might explode. Put down your ridiculous picket sign, get a haircut then sit down and let me explain how a real man deals with women’s rights. First, a real man knows that there is nothing as fierce as an angry woman with a cause, trust me cupcake, they don’t need your help.
A man should always help a lady in distress, which is to say you always stop and offer to help change a flat tire, always put yourself between a lady and harm’s way and a real man will smoothly get her phone number afterward. It’s the American way.
When it comes to politics, real men read the issues, make up their mind and they vote. That’s it. We have no interest in listening to politicians babble because we’re too busy actually making America work and occasionally participating in a top secret black ops mission to overthrow a third world dictator. Real men can deal with the outcome of elections because we’re not donkeys or elephants, we’re men…American men.
Real men don’t give a rat’s backside what celebrities or athletes think about anything. Left to real men, pro athletes wouldn’t even have their names on their jerseys because we don’t care who ran for the first down as much as we appreciate the pulling guard blindsiding a linebacker. That’s why we watch football, not to see some millionaire jerk break dancing after an eight-yard gain.
While most real men are generally armed, we don’t feel the need to be because a real man can handle himself. Let’s face it, your average Jihadist is a scared skinny kid, a double leg takedown and about five minutes of ground and pound will likely change his world view. It’s best to save your arsenal for when your daughter starts dating or the inevitable zombie apocalypse.
Real men understand that Tweets were meant for teenage girls to twitter on about whatever it is they twitter on about. That’s why they’re called “Tweets”. If it were meant for men they would be called “SITREPS”. That’s real man talk for a situation report and we don’t need 140 characters to send essential messages like “cleared in hot”, “send ammo” or “she has a hot friend.”
While a real man would never “chillax”, we’d certainly grill a porterhouse, pour a double Wild Turkey and watch the Super Bowl from our favorite leather recliner. So young men, put away your picket signs, turn off your computer and claim your world.
This doesn’t have to be the year of the wanker — let’s seize it! Real men live in the real world; it’s our domain ... as long as we don’t piss off the real women because those broads are scary! Real men know their limits!
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at email@example.com.