A paper anniversary in the paper
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of the Party of One.
That’s right, once a week for the last 52 weeks, you have allowed me into your lives.
Yep, one year. That’s the paper anniversary.
Happy anniversary honey, I got you a coupon for one hug and you got me ” oh, this looks like a restraining order.
As I look back over the past year, I notice how many changes have taken place.
I have gained 18 pounds since I started writing this column, every one of them the result of emotional eating after dealing with many, many, many groups of people who have been angry with me at one point or another.
I have gone from being (desperately) single to happily attached to a wonderful girl who for some reason tolerates me.
I have to say, I have learned a lot during these 52 weeks. For instance, people like horses and apparently take it very personally when you predict that Barbaro will be sold for glue ” who knew?
I recall the 20-minute conversation I had with the 84-year-old woman who outlined her entire sexual history as a way to prove to me I needed to focus on “real qualities” and not “boobs.”
Listening to that elderly voice talk about how she doesn’t work “down there” anymore and how she hates Viagra because now elderly men “think like 20-year-olds but don’t have bodies like them,” I experienced my first full-body shiver.
That’s like catching your grandfather watching porn. AWKWARD.
Then there was the conversation with my editor about how many sexual references I was allowed to use per week and which words were not appropriate to read over Cheerios.
I have learned that there is one girl from Northern Nevada who ” I’m pretty sure ” is stalking Tim McGraw after she subjected me to a 1,500 word e-mail about how I will never be half the man he is and how I should be grateful to even smell his hair.
‘Cause when I think Tim McGraw, I think nice smelling hair. Uh-huh.
Yet throughout the year, there are two questions that have been asked of me most often.
One, do you really hate marriage?
No, I do not hate marriage or women or commitment or any other version of those three that people try to pin on me. It’s not that I am opposed to people who drink the Kool-aid and get married, I just dislike what it does to people.
I was taught to believe that you should know who you are and nothing should change the foundation of what defines you and too often I have watched people get married and then change ” not how they act or how they dress, but who they are.
So, short answer: No, I don’t hate marriage. I hate people who get married and become different.
Second, what is the girlfriend’s real name?
At least three dozen times, people have asked me this question and I usually make something up ” like Ethyl or Euripidies ” but it’s really a very normal name. (You thought I was gonna tell you didn’t you, HAHAHA).
Basically, it’s been an interesting year and I wouldn’t ask for anything different. In my first column I said I was happy to have you along for the ride ” hope to see you next Thursday.
In the meantime, I think I’m gonna celebrate a year of not getting fired ” maybe I’ll take Kate out to dinner.