A pilot program run amuck
September 18, 2007
After the publication of last week’s column, I learned two things.
One, apparently pointing out something that is true doesn’t diminish the hatred it will generate from those it pertains to and two, when that truth involves women, they will get even.
Starting this week, my column has been “selected” for a new “pilot” program that was installed on my computer at the behest of my editors. The program, which I was forced to download from http://www.furryarmpitsbychoice.org, works as a training device to make my language more “female friendly” and socially aware.
According to the instructions, it will automatically replace “offensive” words, or parts of words, with more “female friendly” and politically correct alternatives.
Now, with that out of the way, the real topic for this week: Why I will never go to Wal-Mart again.
Two items, just two little items. That’s all I needed, just ground turkey and cabbage.
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Simple, just a quick zip in and out of Wal-Mart. Ten minutes, tops.
Oh, it started out well. I managed to weave my way through the legions of (age-enhanced) people, walking behind their carts taking up all the aisle space by walking at half the speed of a (gastrointestinal emission) and get my desired items. Four minutes, I’m golden.
As I approached the checkout line, I hurriedly surveyed my options. There is a science to selecting the correct lane. Choose right, and you are out the door.
Choose wrong, and it will go slower than a night at the ballet, watching a group of obviously (happy) male dancers.
Here’s my options: In lane one, a (person with an enhanced thyroid who can’t help her size) woman who has 38 items easy, yet is so (slow, but still special) that she is in the 20 items or less lane. In lane two: a man wearing a camouflage hat, orange vest and hiking boots (redneck Nascar fan) -?
Now wait a (structure to hold back water) minute. There was no word there to correct. This (structure to hold back water) program is editorializing; that’s not right (yes it is).
See, it did it again. Man, this is not fair. I make one observation about female (baby nourishers) and – ?
NO, I do not mean “baby nourishers,” what kind of (make sweet tender gentle love)-ed up program is this?!?!
Only crazy (squirrel food) jobs actually think people should talk like this and are psycho enough to create a (female dog) of a … wait a minute, I can’t even say (female dog)?
You can say that on network television, What the (H-E- double hockey sticks)!?!
That’s it, I’m calling the (nerds) in our I.T. Department and telling them to take this (make sweet, tender, gentle beautiful love)-ed up program off my computer.
“Pilot” program, my (donkey).
Whatever, that’s fine, have your fun Furryarmpits Program cause tomorrow the I.T. (Nerds) will delete you, and you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to (cry like a little baby).
OK, that’s it, you are going out the window (Jarid is experiencing technical difficulties and is currently seeing a therapist for his anger issues. Apparently it’s not working.)
Got a comment? Tell me about it on the Party of One blog at http://www.nevadaappeal.com/partyofone
• Jarid Shipley is the features editor for the Nevada Appeal. Contact him a firstname.lastname@example.org or 881-1217.