Undecided voters make me laugh
October 29, 2004
I had the weirdest dream Thursday night. It was about voting. So maybe it was more like a nightmare.
In this dream, I was waiting in a long line to cast my ballot. To say the line was long was really an understatement. I had an REM flashback to Magic Mountain and my three-hour wait for The Riddler’s Revenge.
But in the dream, the line was so long that the government decided all of us super Americans (who else would wait hours for anything but a two-minute roller-coaster ride?) could die of starvation before reaching the polls. And that wouldn’t look good in the papers.
So they put a buffet in the center of the room. And this was a sweet buffet. I’m talking about egg rolls, sushi (the good kind), buffalo wings and those little cocktail weenies. So much selection.
But here comes the nightmare part: I was browsing the buffet when the line started to move without me. I was getting left behind! I grabbed my food and ran to catch up with the line. I woke up before I could find my place. What does it all mean?
I find it strange because I’ve made up my mind about who I’m voting for. I’ve selected my cocktail weenies. I’m ready to vote. I think everyone who is going to vote is ready to just do it, as Nike would say.
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I agree with John L. Smith’s column in Thursday’s Appeal. He said if you haven’t made up your mind in the presidential race then you live inside a cave. I’ll go a step further than Smith. I say if you haven’t made up your mind, you’re either lying to yourself or lying to your parents, who’ve asked you, but you’re too scared to tell them.
I think no matter what the “undecided voter” may say, he or she is leaning a little bit more in one direction. “Undecided voters” just want you to think they’re undecided to get the attention, or to avoid any unpleasant wrangling with co-workers or the above-mentioned parents.
“Undecided voters” may see the bad and the good in both Bush and Kerry, but they are wooed in some direction by preference or bias. My friend Gennie called it “the feeling.” She just got this nebulous feeling one day. Coincidentally, it popped up again while she was waiting in line to vote. Sure, she wasn’t too informed on the issues, but she just couldn’t suppress that feeling.
So all of you “undecided voters,” I salute you. You’ve succeeded in making two rich white men representing the most powerful political groups in the world spend lots and lots of money to sway you.
A whole bevy of starving children couldn’t attract so much attention.
But perhaps they did purchase the “feeling.” And maybe that’s called attack ads, distorted information through a lazy media and patriotic pandering.
But what do I know, I’m the decided voter.
Becky’s business column will return to its usual format after Tuesday, when she no longer can be distracted and outraged by this thing called the presidential election year. Contact her at email@example.com or 881-1212.