A look at letters to Santa
It’s a little late in the season, but I finally finished my annual letter to Santa Claus. I realize that it may seem strange for an adult to continue writing letters to Santa, but in a world where people have their body hair removed by lasers, the TSA exists and Donald Trump is considered a credible presidential candidate, corresponding with an old childhood pen-pal doesn’t seem so odd.
I’m convinced that many more adults write letters to Santa than would ever admit it. Why not? It brings back a sort of child like glow to sit and think of things you’d like to have if you didn’t have to pay for it. When you think about it, it’s not all that different from voting for Bernie Sanders.
I’d like to believe that as we mature and understand life better most of us stop asking for material things from Santa and request more meaningful things to improve our lives and those of our loved ones. I’d like to believe that but, since I still giggle when I fart and consider the Three Stooges to be giants of American cinema, I still mostly ask Santa for sports cars and a French maid named Monique.
What if I’m not the only adult (and I use that word loosely) who still writes to Santa Claus? I thought it might be fun to speculate what famous people and even historical figures might have asked for in their letters.
I’m almost 30 years old now and I think it might be time I started asking for things more meaningful than those great David Hasselhoff posters I received last year. All I want for Christmas this year is to become rich and famous. I realize that I have no special talent or skills so I’m asking for a job that requires me to hang out with rich and famous people until I magically become one. Thanks, Santa!
Ryan Seacrest, Christmas 2001
Thanks for the kite last year, that was awesome! This year I’d like to go to Paris because I hear French chicks dig eccentric bald guys, and I don’t think I can take another cold Pennsylvania Christmas.
Ben Franklin, Christmas 1776
I deeply regret not writing you since my early childhood. I’m still angry at my husband for not posting the letter I wrote in 2007; since retirement he’s become almost completely useless. I have one very simple request this year; please make Donald Trump the Republican nominee in 2016! With reference to your famous, but possibly unconstitutional, “naughty and nice list.” I have been advised by my lawyers to make no statement at this time.
Hillary Clinton, Christmas 2015
Sorry I haven’t written in a few years, but I’ve been busy enjoying the completely unwarranted and barely appreciated fame and fortune you gave me a few years back. Being adored and getting tattoos takes way more time than you might think. My life seems complete but everyone keeps telling me I need a pair, I have no idea what that means but I want one! I’m going to sign this letter but if you use the signature I’m going to need a 50% royalty.
Justin Bieber, Christmas 2015
All I want is peace and oneness for all mankind … and some hair; I’d really like some hair!
The Dalai Lama, Christmas 2015
Thank you for the warm socks and the boats to cross the Delaware River; Christmas in Pennsylvania was such a bad idea! We’ve finally beaten the British and things are going well so I only have one request this year; please don’t let them name the new capital city after me. I believe the city’s name will eventually become synonymous with political corruption so let them name it Benville or Franklinton; I never trusted that weirdo.
George Washington, Christmas 1790
P.S. Do you know the name of a good dentist?
I’ve been writing you my whole life and you’ve given me everything I’ve asked for and that was HUGE! The billions, the hot wives with sexy accents … all HUGE! Now if I could just be President that would be bigger than HUGE!
Donald Trump, Christmas 2015
Remember it’s never too late to get your letter to Santa in the mail! To paraphrase the Rolling Stones, you may not get what you want but you might just get what you need! Merry Christmas!
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.