Appreciating the morons among us
There’s a lot of serious and scary stuff going on in the world these days and more than enough yammering idiots in the media to tell us about it all. Fortunately for you, this yammering idiot is covering a different beat; it’s my job to write about silly and stupid human behavior that is neither scary nor serious and there’s always plenty to write about.
There is no better place to find news about head scratching human behavior than the great state of Alabama. It took seconds of exhaustive research to find a story about the principal of a rural middle school there who asked all of her students to bring canned goods to school. That wouldn’t be all that unusual if they were holding a canned food drive for the needy but this story happened in Alabama so you know it’s not that simple.
The principal’s plan was to store the canned goods in each classroom for use in case of an emergency. Again, not that strange if she was concerned that a tornado or perhaps the zombie apocalypse might happen during school hours leaving her students trapped at school; that would make perfect sense. The story gets interesting when we discover that the cans of corn and green beans were meant to be used weapons in case there the school was infiltrated by intruders.
The principal explained to concerned parents that the canned goods were the last line of defense against armed intruders in their classrooms. She reasoned that no Jihadist or armed nut-job would expect to be assaulted by 30 seventh graders hurling cans of creamed corn at them and would surely give up or retreat. Further, she told them that in the unlikely event that there was no intruder attack by the end of the school year; the food could be donated to charity. That’s solid Alabama logic and a pure win-win situation.
I’m not from Alabama, but I have met a few graduates of their public education system, and I can’t help but wonder if having food fight drills is really the best use of their educators’ time. If only the students were equipped with something educationally useful and suitable for throwing at Jihadists … maybe a textbook?
The next story comes from up north in Michigan where a moron driving in a blizzard managed to wedge his minivan under the rear end of an unsuspecting big rig cruising down the interstate. When he realized he was stuck under the truck and the truck was not stopping, our hero decided to call 911 for assistance. He explained to the operator that he was stuck under a semi and being dragged down the interstate. When the dispatcher asked where they were the motorist replied, “I don’t know but we shouldn’t be hard to find; just look for a semi dragging a minivan.”
Local deputies pulled the truck over at a nearby rest area and the driver was surprised to discover he had been towing a moron and a minivan for miles. There is no word as to whether he charged for the towing service, but I really hope he did.
A young man was detained by Chinese customs agents for acting suspicious and “walking stiff legged.” Further inspection revealed that the man had contraband wrapped in plastic and duct taped to his torso and legs. He wasn’t smuggling drugs or even weaponized canned goods into the country … he had 94 iPhones strapped to his body! I don’t know how much an iPhone goes for in China these days, but there has to be some serious money involved to risk the pain and torture of removing that much duct tape from your skin … oh, and going to Chinese prison is probably unpleasant too.
The British National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children recently released an animated video entitled “I saw your willy.” It’s a cautionary tale about a youngster who posted an unfortunate picture online that subsequently went viral. The British are so sensitive; I guess we colonials just aren’t sophisticated enough to understand how a “kiddie-porn” cartoon might prevent cruelty to children. Who knew?
John Wayne is reported to have said, “Life is tough but its even tougher if you’re stupid.” I think that life is also funny and it’s even funnier because of the stupid. The world is full of morons working full time to keep us entertained and I, for one, appreciate that!
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.