Felonious lovers and other stupid criminals
My favorite part of being a humor columnist, apart from the fame and fortune, is researching the bizarre thing people say and do. Regular readers might find it surprising that I do any actual research but I do … really!
I set out to write a column about the strange things married people do to and for each other (not like that … get your mind out of the gutter) but ended up finding so many great crime stories that were just to whacky not to share. It turns out that some of the things couples do to and for each other are against the law (stop it … this is a family newspaper.)
The first story involves a man from Indiana who was arrested for choking his fiancé for “talking trash about NASCAR.” According to police, the 57 year-old man was making dinner when he overheard his fiancé claiming that Indy Car racing was better than NASCAR … a claim so egregious that he felt compelled to attack the woman he planned to marry. What the heck was he thinking; in what world is it OK for a NASCAR fan to propose to an Indy Car lover? Sheesh!
Next is the report of a young woman in Tulsa who attacked her boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend with a knife and stole her shoes. Assaulting a romantic rival with a deadly weapon is always wrong but sadly not that unusual, until you consider that the attack took place in a funeral home and the victim was already dead!
This nut-job was so jealous that she slashed, defaced and stole shoes from the body of a woman who had once dated her boyfriend … in front of the grieving family! She was immediately arrested and is facing a long jail term for “illegal dissection of a human body” because apparently “psycho jealousy” and “carrying a grudge into the next life” are only misdemeanors in Oklahoma.
Speaking of crazy women, police in Nebraska arrested a woman for attacking her sleeping boyfriend with a crowbar. I know what you’re thinking ladies; he probably had it coming because most guys have it coming at some point … but not so fast. This poor guy woke up from a sound sleep with his beloved beating him with a crowbar and screaming at him for snoring too loud.
When police responded to the scene the woman reportedly told them that her boyfriend deserved to die because he “always gets under your skin.” Wow … if snoring too loud and being annoying is grounds for a violent death I’m in deep poop!
In other Nebraska crime news, and on a much lighter note, a man in Lexington was arrested for stealing a riding lawnmower from Walmart. This guy gets credit for being either bold or stupid because he didn’t steal a crated lawnmower from the Walmart warehouse; that’s just what they’d expect you to do. This guy walked into the store carrying a gas can, fueled up the floor model displayed in the lawn and garden section, cut the chain-link fence and drove that puppy right out of there.
His daring bravado would have been a little more impressive if he’d driven the stolen lawnmower into a waiting truck to make his get away … but you know that didn’t happen. Instead this genius attempted his get away on the riding lawnmower. I’m not sure what his escape plan was but police arrested him driving the mower parallel with I-80, after what was possibly the slowest vehicle pursuit ever, a whopping 10 miles from the store!
You might think this was the dumbest crime story I came across this week; you might hope this was the dumbest … but you know that’s not the case. A Virginia Beach bank robber gets the honor of being this weeks dumbest criminal; allegedly.
Authorities arrested a 23 year-old moron after he posted a video of himself robbing a bank on his personal Instagram account. Really. The video showed him handing a note to the bank teller and the stacks of cash he made off with. That’s monumentally stupid but it’s not even the dumbest part of this story.
After being arrested he told police that he hadn’t actually robbed the bank because his not politely asked the teller to give him the money. He claimed it was a gift because he never threatened her … can you imagine Judge Judy’s reaction to that plea?
Maybe next week I’ll write about marriage … or maybe not!
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at email@example.com.