Morons committing crimes
I’ve never needed to look very hard to find news stories that prove that there’s no shortage of morons in the world. I really appreciate the foolish things people do because it keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously. After all, if we couldn’t laugh at ourselves, life could get to be a real drag.
Lately, I’ve been especially amused by moronic crimes and criminals. Few people are criminals because they are smart but every once in a while, I come across a criminal act so pointless and ridiculous that it reaches a special class of stupid. These are their stories.
Our first story features a carjacker from New Jersey who took a man’s wallet and cellphone at gunpoint before escaping in the victim’s car. He managed to make a clean get away initially by ditching the stolen car and empty wallet and driving away in his own vehicle.
He might have gotten away cleanly if he hadn’t insisted on keeping the fancy new iPhone he had stolen. He was miles away minding his own business when the police pulled him over and arrested him. It seems the victim had used the “Find my phone” feature to find this thief’s location and told the cops right where to find him. Like I said, these folks aren’t criminals because they’re smart.
Meanwhile, police in Alaska managed to solve a series of burglaries by solving a fashion crime. The crime spree had consisted of stealing almost $30 from a local church, a whopping $5 from one restaurant and about $400 from another. At each crime scene police found the distinctive tracks of plastic Croc shoes which was a real clue because who the hell wears Crocs in 2015 … in Alaska?
The cops also had some surveillance video from one of the restaurants and when they posted it on Facebook they received the name of a possible suspect from a tipster. When the suspect showed up for his police interview sporting a well-worn pair of Crocs, they knew they had their man! This is just another in a long list of reasons to never trust a guy wearing Crocs.
Back in New Jersey another genius was arrested for stealing a car and driving it under his suspended license in order to make a court appearance for his previous arrest on drug charges. I don’t think I even need to make a joke here, this clown pretty much did that for me. I hope they put this habitual offender away this time because we don’t need his kind roaming the streets; driving on a suspended license … sheesh!
Sadly, criminals aren’t the only morons involved with the criminal justice system. Recently in Pennsylvania, a truck driver was ticketed for driving his rig on a street where big trucks are not allowed. The driver’s GPS mistook Alpine Street in town for the more rural Alpine Road and he was pulled over by local law enforcement.
While nobody want a big rig rolling through their neighborhood streets, the real crime here is that the local judge decided hold the driver in jail for three days to ensure he would show up for his court date. Was the public really safer with this lost truck driver off the streets? Was the traffic ticket fine really worth the cost of two court appearances, booking and incarcerating a man for three days? To quote Bugs Bunny (and you should always quote Bugs Bunny) “What a maroon!”
Finally, police in Minnesota are still looking for the person who broke into a local farm and made off with over $70,000 worth of bull semen. Really, someone actually stole a canister filled with vials of bull semen or BS as it’s known in the industry. Each vial is worth from $300 to $1500 so if you do the math that adds up to … let’s see … carry the two … well, it adds up to a lot of BS!
Just think of the risk this moron was taking pulling this daring heist. Where do you sell a canister full of bull semen after you steal it? Is there a whole BS black market out there that I’m unaware of? What if he gets caught and is sent to prison; what is he going to tell the desperate murderers, rapists and lost truck drivers in the exercise yard when they ask him what he’s doing time for? Yikes!
You’ve got to appreciate real life humor; you can’t make this stuff up.
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.