The view from the grassy knoll |

The view from the grassy knoll

It’s been way too long since I’ve taken an in depth look into the world of conspiracy theories. I’m not much of a conspiracy theorist myself, but as luck would have it, my wife never met a conspiracy theory she didn’t like and keeps a close eye on all of them from her zombie apocalypse-proof bunker atop the “grassy knoll,” so I know more about conspiracy theories than I ever wanted to … way more.

What I’ve discovered is that all conspiracy theories are based on a mysterious group called “They.” “They” control everything and we are essentially helpless against them. Sometimes “they” are aliens, often “they” are the government or an elite group of ultra-rich and powerful families, but “they” are almost always tangled up with the Freemasons or the Illuminati.

All good conspiracy theories involve either aliens, Freemasons or the Illuminati; the best conspiracy theories involve evil alien Freemasons working undercover in the Illuminati. There is some deep Internet lore that supports the theory that LBJ was an alien Freemason who used illuminati hit men to assassinate JFK; it makes as much sense as the Warren Commission Report.

Another great conspiracy theory involves the British royal family being shape-shifting Reptilian aliens who derive their power from a huge rock that is buried under the throne in Buckingham Palace.

According to several conspiracy websites, young Prince George, the baby born to Prince William and his bride Kate, isn’t really their child. “They” have dozens of pictures that they claim prove that her pregnancy was faked and they were presented with a Reptilian infant after a ritualistic birth, presumably on or near the magic rock.

While I admit that at least three of my four kids looked kind of like lizards immediately after birth and they all ate bugs from time to time, I never suspected them to be shape-shifting aliens. Then again we don’t have a magic rock, so who can really say for sure?

Conspiracy theorists know that the history we were taught in school is pure propaganda that “they” want us to believe. Theorists maintain that history is simply misdirection to keep us from discovering the real truth that might allow us to figure out who “they” really are and what “they” are up to.

Anyone who’s ever watched that History Channel guy with the weird hair knows that the pyramids could only have been built by ancient aliens using advanced anti-gravity technology. It’s ridiculous to believe that slaves rolled those giant megalithic rocks on logs as we were taught in school.

We’ve all seen pictures of the pyramids, there aren’t any trees or boulders in those pictures so where did they get the rocks and logs? The Egyptians would’ve had to clear cut an entire forest and quarry every bit of rock for miles to build the pyramids that way.

Shoot, there wouldn’t be anything left but sand anywhere nears those pyramids when they got done! Wait a minute …

My favorite American conspiracy theory is the legend of the Denver International Airport (DIA). DIA features the perfect storm of conspiracy theories; Aliens, Freemasons, the Illuminati, the apocalypse and the New World Order.

There is a statue of an apocalyptic warhorse with shining eyes at the entrance to DIA and another of an Anubis, the Egyptian god of the dead. From above, the runway configuration resembles a swastika or an alien symbol (whichever theory suits your fancy). Underground there are miles of tunnels with all manner of sinister conspiracy potential.

There’s a very creepy and cryptic mural in the terminal depicting a giant soldier wearing a gas mask with a gun in one hand and a sword in the other impaling the dove of peace. There are all kinds of other horrifying images to entertain you between flights and there’s a Freemason capstone with the words New World Airport Commission engraved on it. It’s like Disneyland for conspiracy theorists!

The designers of DIA were toking a little of that Rocky Mountain High before it was legal and just put that stuff there just to mess with the passengers who get stranded there during those Denver snowstorms.

My wife says it’s the entrance to the giant bunker complex where “they” will fly into to seek shelter while the rest of us are exterminated by aliens, a killer comet or maybe a polar shift. Either way, we’ll be safe in her bunker on the grassy knoll!

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at