A cereal killer and more bad humor to end the year | NevadaAppeal.com

A cereal killer and more bad humor to end the year

Carolyn DeMar and Maizie Harris Jesse
For the Appeal

Christmas has passed, and the new year is coming up … but, right now we’re in the middle of the eight days of Hanukkah … so in that spirit, Mel Rappaport, a Jewish friend of ours in New York, sent us the following:

“Christmas is one day, the same every year … Dec. 25. Jews also love Dec. 25 … it’s another paid day off work … we go to the movies, out for Chinese food, and do Israeli dancing.’ Hanukkah is eight days, starting on the 24th day of Kislev, whenever that is … no one is ever sure until a non-Jewish friend asks, forcing us to consult a calendar provided by the local kosher butcher or Jewish funeral home. Christmas is a major holiday. Hanukkah is minor, with the same theme as most Jewish holidays … they tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat. No one knows how to spell Hanukkah … Hanukah, Chanukka … ???

“Christmas carols are beautiful … we look to Barbra Streisand and Neil Diamond, our tribal brethren, to sing them beautifully. Christian women enjoy baking Christmas cookies … Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes … another reminder of our suffering through the ages. And finally, parents deliver presents to their children at Christmas … Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

“And while Christians can pronounce Mary, Joseph and Jesus … we are saddled with Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Matta, whatever. No one can spell them or pronounce them, but on the plus side, we can tell our Christian friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.” Amen … and now you know …

Happy 30th birthday to Nate Walker (and congrats on getting your doctorate from Columbia) … and to Karen Hinton and Marty Tate, too (well … they wish they were 30) … have wonderful parties … and many mooooore …

A little birdie told us that the northern part of the freeway will open in January. The same bird is still roosting on the OH, hoping for an opening there, too … ha!

The best picture of the year appeared in “This Week” … a picture of an elephant sitting on a toilet. It’s no joke … seems the trainers at an elephant farm in Thailand, built “elephant toilets” and trained the elephants to use them and flush them, too. Since an elephant downs a goodly amount of hay a day, it seemed a “poopular” thing to do …

Ken Fraser thinks the Carson City Sheriff’s Office should know about this warning to lock your doors … “Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home. A man was found dead in his home over the weekend … detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A banana was sticking out of his butt. The police suspect a cereal killer.” (Since when was good taste our forte?)

Fun things … seeing the motor home driving around town all lit up with Christmas lights on it … seeing that Eric Walther and Brian Maffei made second string All-State … sending a “hello” to John Murphey with “lots of love” attached … meeting Ron “dis-Knecht” at The Basil (um-um good), Raquel’s husband … and getting a newspaper clipping from a reader about a 7- year-old kid whose “fears were alleviated” about the freeway … intriguing, but wrong … it was a 7-year “resident” … not a 7-year-old genius. Don’t feel badly … we read it that way, too, at first. And thanks to the nice lady at Smith’s who told the checker to scan her card so Maizie’d get the store discount … and she did …

The other day, at Carolyn Opitz’s memorial service, Pastor Tom Chism of Yerington’s Vineyard Church said the following, “Problem-solving is a sign of respect in marriage.” Certainly, good food for thought …

Thanks to Sister Marie and Mary Ann Randall of St. Teresa’s for enabling many families to have special food and presents for Christmas. We know they are not the only ones, so thanks to all of you around town who participated in helping others at this time of year. You are much appreciated …

OK … if you’re Polish, stop reading now (or substitute Italian, French, Mexican or whatever if you have “delicate” sensibilities) … Mel sent us this one, too … “Two Polish hunters flew up to Alaska to hunt moose. They bagged six, and started loading the plane for their return trip. The pilot said, ‘I’m sorry, but this plane can only take four of them.’ The lads objected strongly and said, ‘Last year, we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board and it was the same kind of plane as this one.’

“Reluctantly, the pilot gave in, and all six were put onboard. As they took off, the little plane couldn’t handle the load even on full power, and went down a few minutes after takeoff. Climbing out of the wreck, one Pole asked the other, ‘Any idea where we are?’ ‘Yeah, I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.'”

Every year, we try and thank all the people who are nice to us … there are so many … thank you all … we know who you are and appreciate you so much … and if you are going through difficult times … know that we care and are wishing you well always …

Resolutions for 2006 … to do positive things … tackle our own problems, rather than take on those of others (who depress you and you can’t do anything about anyway) … travel … be around happy people and be nice back … smile a lot … get filthy rich (well, we can try) … and wish that people would learn to get along all over the world (who said Miss America had a lock on that cliché?) … Happy new year everyone!

• Carolyn DeMar and Maizie Harris Jesse are longtime Carson City residents. Write to them at editor@nevadaappeal.com.