A look at the mailbag
It’s been a while since I checked the mailbag and shared some reader’s comments. After filtering out the comments containing threats of legal action, inappropriate language and misspelled words, “#$@*head” is spelled “$#*@head” … any eighth-grader knows that!
After a recent column on proper manly behavior. several ladies felt the need to point out how wrong and narrow-minded I was … imagine that. I simply pointed out that real men, particularly real American men, eat meat, drink beer and carry guns, nothing to get upset about. I might have mentioned womanizing in my description, — OK I did include womanizing but my experience. I mean my journalistic integrity requires that I call them the way I see them.
One nice lady suggested that that if men spent more time listening to women, eating vegetables and “experiencing sensitivity,” we could keep a good woman and not need to womanize. Whatever. I would probably live longer if I gave up chili-cheeseburgers, bourbon and defying death in third-world countries, but why would I want to? Besides, the thing this broad obviously doesn’t get is that men don’t womanize because we need to, we do it because we like to.
After reading the very same column, a male reader responded by commenting, “Rick Seley for President 2020!” While I appreciate the vote of confidence from this obviously well-educated and cultured gentleman, I’m not interested in the job. I answered his enthusiastic endorsement by explaining that I don’t know how to Tweet so, clearly I’m not qualified for the job.
Last month I wrote that I wanted to visit Mount Rushmore before they closed it to add President Trump’s face to it. It shouldn’t have surprised me that any joke about President Trump would incite extreme responses, but somehow it still did.
One gentleman commented that not only should Trump be added to Mount Rushmore but “Killary, O’Bummer and all them other commie #@$*%#@$ should have to chisel it on the chain gang!” Another suggested that President Trump’s face should be chiseled every quarter of a mile along the south facing side of the wall along the southern border.
Yet, another reader suggested that it would be more appropriate to stencil his face on non-gender specific port-a-potties and still another suggested that his head would have to be added to Rushmore at ground level in order to fit an accurate sculpture of his hair.
Please keep in mind that column was published a full two weeks before he was even inaugurated … also keep in mind it was a joke so please stop sending me threats and whatever that white powdery substance is.
Over a month ago I wrote that “celebrities are like fear and telemarketers, if you don’t pay attention to them, they eventually go away.” Just yesterday I received an email declaring that I was obviously wrong because “those Hollywood libtards were all over the Academy Award show the other night.” Yeah well, obviously you missed my point if you watched the Academy Award show, but I appreciate the feedback, son. I knew that boy wasn’t right.
Recently, I waxed philosophical about the difference between a belief and a fact. I honestly thought that I artfully managed to illustrate that it’s not only possible but not that unusual for most of us to believe something that isn’t a fact without using any political references or innuendo. Not so much.
The very first comment I received pretty much summed up the rest by clearly stating, “Trump said it, I believe it and that settles it!” Another made it person by saying, “I believe you’re not funny, but it’s a fact that you should stop wasting space in the newspaper.” Well shoot, the title of the column was “Beliefs, facts, Slim Jims and beer.” The fact is I wasn’t as artful as I believed, which kind of proves my point.
Oh, I almost forgot the lady who wrote, “We get it, you don’t like cottage cheese, enough with the cottage cheese already!” I hear you loud and clear and I won’t mention that repugnant crap again … wait … starting next week.
You can’t get rich writing a humor column for small newspapers. I made my fortune in penny stock and international arms dealing so I do this for fun. The stuff you write back shows that a lot of you are funnier than me and some of you are as twisted as I am and that gives me hope for humanity.
Like Jimmy Buffett said, “If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.”
Rick Seley is under the weather so we bring you a classic column. Rick is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.