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Advice for a cardinal worried about Dick Cheney’s shooting

by Carolyn DeMar and Maizie Harris Jesse

Last week, the archbishop of Boston, Sean Patrick O’Malley, became a prince of the Catholic Church and was made a cardinal. In becoming one, he has had to forego the frugal attire of a Franciscan friar (black robes and sandals) and change to the brilliant “cardinal” red of his new rank. He mentioned in passing, that, in his new get-up, he could now go hunting with Dick Cheney. But, may we advise His Eminence … wait ’til after bird season …

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Under the subtitle “Girls have more fun,” it seems that polygamy has been getting a lot of play lately in the news. Therefore, we feel it only right to espouse polyandry, wherein a woman has two or more husbands at the same time … after all, fair’s fair…

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And while we’re brushing against beliefs … have you noticed that religions seem to threaten “nonbelievers,” infidels and transgressors with hellfire and damnation if they don’t toe the line? What are they afraid of? So we’re glad to see a glimmer of hope in Afghanistan, where they released Abdul Rahman, the Muslim-turned-Christian, instead of condemning him to death for his conversion. An Almighty God seems to tolerate us all, no matter what we believe …

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While we’re on the subject of religion, the Sharpes sent us this one about “the pastor who went to his church office and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He telephoned the police, but since there was no evidence of foul play, the police told him to call the health department. Since there was no immediate health threat, they told him to call the sanitation department. However, the sanitation manager told the pastor that, ‘I can’t pick up the dead mule without authorization from the mayor.’ This particular mayor (not in Carson, of course) had a bad disposition and did not disappoint the pastor. He began to rant and rave and ask, ‘Why did you call me, anyway? Isn’t it your job to bury the dead?’ The pastor paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response and find the words he was seeking. ‘Well, yes, mayor … it is my job to bury the dead. But I always like to notify the next of kin first.'”

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With all the hoopla over the NCAA tournament, and the hassle Nevada Wolf Pack fans had to go through to get tickets for the Salt Lake City game, we were wondering why, when you see the cameras panning the crowds at the games, so many of the courtside seats are empty? Aren’t there enough rich people who like basketball? Or are the “masses” getting screwed? (We’re especially ticked off, because none of our teams are in the Final Four) …

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Good stuff: Pam Putnam, CHS junior, was Nevada’s only representative to the National Young Leaders Conference in Washington, D.C. While there, she met with the entire Nevada congressional delegation, and had a wonderful time. Good for you, m’dear. Happy birthday to Carolyn’s cousin, Maura Zigler.

And to top it off, the CHS culinary program was red-hot at the Pro Start state championships in Las Vegas. To help them get to the national finals in North Carolina in May, you can send a donation to the CHS Culinary Arts Dept., 1111 N. Saliman Rd., Carson City, NV 89701, and help a future “chef-in-training.” Way to go, guys and gals …

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Don’t forget to get your tickets for several great shows around the area. Currently playing are Carson Performing Art’s production of “Seussical, The Musical,” at the Community Center (887-0438); “A Couple of Blaguards,” at the BAC (883-1976); “Forever Plaid,” WNCC’s production at their Cedar Building (445-4249); and, coming soon (April 7), UNR’s “How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying”(348-4838) … Carson’s own Andie Anderson is director and choreographer for the last show, which features Dominic Procaccini, another talented Carsonite. Go see them all … you won’t regret it …

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Al Nicholson saw this one: “All the children had posed for a class picture, and the teacher was trying to get them each to buy one. ‘Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you’re all grown up and say, “There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,” or “That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.” A small voice rang out, ‘There’s the teacher. She’s dead.'” (Did you ever get through school, Al?)

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Especially for Mike Lawson and Rett Jesse … we know we goofed on the “transitive property of equality” … we had a plus where an equal should have been (i.e. if a = b, and b = c, therefore, c must = a, is the correct way, but we had a + between the a and b … blame it on the typewriter) … and mea culpa … just be grateful we’re not professional mathematicians …

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Fond farewells to two lovely ladies who passed away recently, Roberta Bence and Joann Allison … our deepest sympathy to their families …

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Ve vant to suck your blood … United Blood Services is looking for some good-looking red-blood corpuscles these days of all types … just go to 256 E. William St. in the Crossroads Shopping Center, and they will oblige (887-9111) … there’s always a great need, and you will be doing something wonderful for your fellow man …

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DeeAnn Parsons sent us the following: “An elderly man and his wife were told at a busy local restaurant that it would be 45 minutes before they could be seated. ‘Young man,’ the husband said, ‘we’re both 90 years old, and we may not have 45 minutes.’ They were seated immediately.” Ahhh, a golden part of the golden years …

• Carolyn DeMar and Maizie Harris Jesse are longtime Carson City residents. Write to them at editor@nevadaappeal.com.