Dan O’Connor: This election, vote for Nobody
I have an important announcement I wish to make here today: I have decided to become a campaign manager/political strategist. I want to direct and manage candidates’ campaigns as they run for public office. And, I state frankly, I guarantee they will win!
Hey, this could be your big chance. I’m sure at some point you must have had dreams of being an elected public official. It’s a simple and easy job really. All you have to do is look good, smile a lot, shake hands, kiss babies and make it seem you know what you’re doing. And the pay and perks are fabulous. Plus, there are payoffs, contributions and fully-paid trips to exotic locations, people will come crawling to you begging for favors and treating you like royalty. You can make all kinds of pie-in-the-sky promises. These help you get more contributions and remain in office.
Sure, you can do it. As I mentioned, I guarantee you will win! Get this — pay me no money now. All I ask are for favors and kick-backs after you’re elected, which is a shoe-in!
The first thing you must do (and this is vitally important), is to change your name to Nobody … why, you ask? Well, let me give you just a few pertinent reasons why:
1) In almost all past elections, who did the majority of eligible voters actually vote for? Nobody.
2) Who is the most honest, decent, trustworthy and dependable fellow in government? Nobody.
3) Who can you count on for help when you call city hall or your state legislator? Nobody.
4) Who will come to your aid when you’re broken down by the side of the road at four in the morning? Ditto.
5) Who will bail you out of jail when you’re in a jam and haven’t got a dime? Same fellow.
6) Who will pay your child support and make sure your family is okay? Nobody, of course.
7) And who, you ask, will make America great again? Nobody.
8) Who will actually build the great wall? Him again.
9) And who will pay for it? Guess who.
10) Who will put a car in every garage and a chicken in every pot? Our man Nobody.
11) Who will jam on the brakes and end our never ending wars? Nobody.
12) Who will finally bring our troops home safe and sound? Same as above.
13) Who in government would actually have the guts, integrity and personal responsibility to expose, impeach and oust you? It goes without saying. That would be Nobody.
14) Who is going to pay off our twenty trillion dollar plus national debt? That would be Nobody.
15) Who is our much o macho super hero riding a white horse coming to save us all? Nobody again.
16) Who will take care of you in your old age when you can’t work anymore? Nobody.
17) Who knows, loves and understands you more than anyone else? Nobody.
18) Who will remember and miss you when you’re dead and gone? The same.
I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. You see, Nobody is our man of the hour and the answer to all our prayers.
I’ve selected a few campaign slogans for you: Nobody knows. Nobody cares. Nobody does it better. Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen.
I have even chosen your campaign theme tune. I can just hear it now blasting from the speakers with huge crowds singing along …
Nobody. Nobody. Nobody
Baby it’s youuu
Cha la la la
Dan O’Connor can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.