If you notice a difference, keep it under your hat
In a few weeks you may notice something different about me.
“There’s something different about Jeff, but I can’t put my finger on it,” you’ll say to yourself.
To eliminate the worry, I’m only letting my close, personal friends (that’s you) in on the secret.
I have an appointment Saturday in Sacramento to look at some hair. This international hair replacement center that most of you have seen advertised on television is offering a $595 special this month and this month only.
I’m going in for my “free consultation” and if things go as planned I may eventually have as much, or more hair than 30 million American men who suffer from “Male Pattern Baldness.”
I called the 1-800 number listed in the ad and a very pleasant woman directed me to a website and gave me a little pep talk.
“I’d feel a little funny about leaving work one day with no hair and coming in the next day with more hair than a sheep dog,” I told the woman on the phone.
“We have a little trick that seems to work,” said the hair club representative. “All you need to do is start growing a beard and after you get your new hair, shave the beard. That way your friends and coworkers won’t be able to figure out what is different about you. They’ll be so focused on your face they won’t even look at the top of your head.”
I bet if I got dreadlocks they’d notice, even if I shaved the beard.
On the website I found testimonials from guys who said their lives have improved 100 percent since they bought some hair.
“I couldn’t wait to get home and show my hair off,” wrote Matt from Houston.
Steve from Orlando took his new hair to the zoo. “For the first time people were looking at the animals instead of my bald head,” he wrote.
Mark from Atlanta couldn’t believe what he was seeing in the reflection of the windows he passed on the way home from the hair store. “A big grin crossed my face for the first time in years,” he wrote. “I was so happy I went scuba diving in Cancun.”
He went on to say that not once while diving in Cancun was he mistaken for a seal and that he downed 32 shots of tequila and his new hair was still there when he woke up in the morning.
According to the hair club website, everyone loses between 40 and 100 hairs per day, which means I may have lost 1.7 million hairs to date. And you lose more than most if you wear hats, smoke, or fail to massage your scalp regularly.
The great thing about this hair replacement process, according to the website, is that unlike toupees, this hair doesn’t come off. They actually weave it in with your own, provided you have enough of it to weave something to.
And therein also lies the problem and potential deal breaker. The hair that belongs to you will continue to grow while the hair that is attached to it will not. So every four to six weeks you’d have to return to the hair club for a very complicated hair cut, depending, I suppose, upon the mixture of foreign and native hair.
The woman at the 1-800 number said that if I didn’t want to drive to Sacramento for a haircut every four or six weeks they could train my own hair stylist to do it.
She didn’t realize that my current hair stylist charges me $5 for a haircut and that I order by the number, “one, two, or three.”
“If I had a hair stylist I probably wouldn’t be buying hair,” I tried to explain to the sales rep.
After providing directions to the Sacramento location, the woman told me not to worry about anyone seeing me walk through the door.
“There’s not a sign on the window that says ‘Bald Guys This Way,’ or anything like that,” she said. “It looks just like any other office and we just use the initials of the club on the sign outside.
I suppose that if someone stood outside long enough they’d notice that most of the visitors are bald when they go in and not bald when they come out. Which would make for a very interesting “live mini-cam” on someone’s Internet site.
According to the website, the hair club has locations all over the world, which makes traveling easy. You could drop your suit off at the Men’s Warehouse for pressing and your hair at the hair club for weaving.
I figure there’s no harm in going in for the free consultation. I haven’t been to Sacramento for awhile and if I don’t come home with some new hair, maybe we’ll pick up a real rug.
On the other hand, if you notice something different about me, but can’t put your finger on it, leave it alone.
Jeff Ackerman is publisher and editor of the Nevada Appeal.