Ken Beaton: Cold enough for you, Bucko? | NevadaAppeal.com

Ken Beaton: Cold enough for you, Bucko?

Ken Beaton
Ken Beaton

SCOW is an acronym for the four worst conditions a person can experience together: Snow, Cold, Old (age), and Wet. Of the four conditions, we don’t have any control when it comes to Old or Snow.

First, being “old” is a relative term. Is 60, 70, 80, 90 or 100-plus considered old compared to what number? There’s only one alternative to being old. Nobody chooses the alternative to being old, unless he or she has a death wish.

Second, we don’t have any control over snow and how much of it accumulates. You could move to where it doesn’t snow, but not during the warmer months. Fortunately, you don’t need a license or a permit to complain about all the snow that’s accumulated in February 2019! The Nevada Department of Complaints is open year-round and eager to use ear plugs while listening to your red whine.

OK, let me see a show of hands. Who’s tired of snow? Who’s tired of shoveling snow? Wow, at least everyone agrees on something. I’m tired of shoveling. I’m tired of having to drive on streets that were untouched by a plow, a “virgin” street. Have you had the experience of “snow-cross driving?” It’s similar to the obstacles on a motor-cross track’s only with axle breaking glaciers in the streets? You folks who drive a coupe or sedan, raise your hand if you’ve “high centered” while snow-crossing in Carson City. Wow, that’s a lot of hands!

The older a person is, the more he or she experiences the cold! Have you ever experienced “bone chilling” cold? Maybe you’re one of the tough macho guys who wears shorts 365 days a year? Your orthopedic doctor loves you. He’s going to be able to pay for two years of college tuition for his son or daughter when both your knees are replaced.

The good news is you can control being dry and warm or wet and cold. Being dry is a two-step process. First, you have to purchase either natural or man-made fabrics that will keep you dry including boots. Second, you have to layer your clothing and wear your water-proof clothing and boots, don’t leave them hanging in your closet. FYI, make sure you empty your bladder before you get dressed in all your layers of clothing and boots so you don’t have to quickly get undressed and make a mad dash to a bathroom seeking bladder relief. I refer to that as an O.S. moment!

With snow/ice melting and refreezing every day, we’re entering the “POT HOLE” season. Instead of Johnny Appleseed, Pothole Pete infuses the smallest crack with water during the day to freeze each night and “voila” the birth of a baby pot hole. Tomorrow the pot hole will be grow exponentially being able to hold more water to freeze each night. With “the more the merrier” daily traffic continually pounding the pot hole, it will be larger tomorrow.

Maybe this year Carson City will enter the “Big Leagues” of POT HOLES. In the cities of Boston, New York and Pittsburgh, they don’t describe their pot holes as being big. They have an expression, “That pothole is large enough to swallow a Volkswagen!” Nevada’s Gaming Control Board recently approved pot hole betting, “Name the exact location and the day when the first Volkswagen disappears in a pot hole.” There are several locations on North Division Street that are receiving fast and furious betting similar to folks betting on the day the Ormsby House will awaken from 18-plus years of being “dark!” Please, don’t believe what I wrote about pot hole betting or betting when the OH awakens from its hibernation. It may sound believable, but it’s my sense of humor.

I know many of you have a special gleam in your eyes because you thought I forgot about the wind. For example, Feb. 25 was a rude reminder about the wind in Carson City. I lifted the toilet seat and watched the water level doing a jig, practicing for St. Patty’s Day! In 2019 I don’t want to be singing the lyrics to the song, “I’m celebrating a White St. Patty’s Day drinking Green Beer!”