Peace on earth, good will to the feds |

Peace on earth, good will to the feds

Sam Bauman

Recognizing that this is the season of peace on earth and good will among men (and women from my point of view) I’d like to make the following modest suggestions (paix Jonathan Swift) to calm some of the local strife.

First, let’s simply disband the U.S. Forest Service. Yep, take away their ranger hats, the Smoky the Bear posters and green pickup trucks.

Yes, I realize this will create some problems, but anything to keep those Jarbidgers happy. Without the USFS troops, they can go ahead and rebuild that pesky road, never mind that threatened fish that might just have the gene that is the clue to curing cancer. We’ve all got to go sometime.

A problem will be the National Parks. I figure that’s a no-brainer. Just turn control of the parks over to the local jurisdictions. True, that means that the locals can do what they wish with the parks. I suspect one of the first moves would be to ask Donald J. Trump to come into Yosemite and build a couple of dozen of condos. Think of the tax base!

This could also solve the traffic problem them. They could limit park visitors to owners of condos only. Voila! no more traffic jams.

Yellowstone would present a different problem, however. Even Trump would have a hard time selling New Yorkers condos amid all those bears and wolves and other beasts. But not a problem. Simply invite hunters from all over the country to come in with AK-47s and wipe out the troublemakers. Leave a few elk, some rabbits and squirrels for local color.

And think of how easy it would be to solve the Humboldt Forest problem with all those old growth trees the eco-nuts are try to save. No USFS, bingo, just saw away. In a couple of years all those old trees would be gone and we’d have nice clear-cut land. Of course, we’d have to buy all that lumber back from Japan after it had been cut and shaped, but Japan still needs economic help, you know. And all those loggers would be out of work, but that’s going to happen anyhow.

That leaves the Bureau of Land Management. Again, no smarts needed. Just disband the thing. Let the locals handle the 85 percent of Nevada that now hides behind the BLM. Let the ranchers graze the land to their herds’ content. Sure, they’d overgraze it all, but that’s what a Sagebrush Rebellion is all about, isn’t it? Freedom to do what you want and jigger the rest of the states. And surely Trump would see potential in Nevada and want to throw up some mega-palaces to rival anything Vegas has come up with. Think of Pyramid Lake lined with hotels and condos, or Lake Tahoe surrounded with 2,000 new homes.

Of course, the Tahoe Regional Planning Agency would have to fold up, but the lake could probably withstand the impact of the new homes’ effluent. Who wants to see down a hundred feet into the lake anyway? And piping all that waste water to Apple County has got to cost a bundle so why not send it right into the lake?

And while we’re at it, why shouldn’t Nevada join with California and secede from the Union? I think Washington would be glad to be shut of us since gold isn’t a hot commodity anymore and California is overcrowded and running out of drinking water.

All in all, I think it’s time that we started acting like a great power (that is, if we are still part of the U.S. of A.) We aren’t particularly mad at Cuba despite the fact that Castro was so ungrateful as to toss back our surrogate invasion back in 1960. After all, we love China the Red. So why not unleash the Florida Cubans who can’t stand Fidel and let them mount their own invasion.

And Milosevic in his rump Yugoslavia. Give him 24 hours to get the hell out or we nuke him. That’s a great power for you!

Shaking off the shackles could be a lot of fun. Of course, we might need some help when Mexico decides to take back all the land we grabbed back when. But that’s what a fed is good for.


Sam Bauman is editor of the Nevada Appeal’s Diversions section.