Prom rule just a way to keep dorks in their place | NevadaAppeal.com

Prom rule just a way to keep dorks in their place

by Jeff Ackerman

It’s time to speak out for the dorks.

The gig is up. This recent debate over Carson High’s rule excluding outsiders from the Senior Prom doesn’t have a thing to do with security. If it did they’d exclude outsiders from football, baseball and basketball games as well.

Which they don’t. Any dork – even dorks from other schools – can go to the games. If they couldn’t, the popular kids wouldn’t have anyone to watch them.

I was a dork in high school. As a matter of fact, I may still be a dork, although the older you get the less concerned about that you become. Most people over 40 are dorks. Even the ones who still think they’re not.

If they’d had a choice, my high school administrators would have passed a similar ban on outsiders. But it was still too close to the ’60s and they knew we would have stripped naked and chained ourselves to the principal’s desk shouting, “Attica! Attica! Attica!”

That’s what we did back then when we didn’t like the rules. We got naked and chained ourselves to furniture.

Today students go by the rules, which they did in this recent Carson High case. They went to the “ADMINISTRATION” and asked if the rule prohibiting non-Carson High students from attending the Senior Prom could be lifted. The “ADMINISTRATION” pretty much said tough noogies, recommending that the disgruntled students go to the school board if they didn’t like it.

The school board members pretty much entertained the students for an hour or so, before informing them that they really didn’t want to get involved in a Senior Prom brouhaha.

Government in action. Rule Number One: When all else fails, form a committee.

Unfortunately, that still leaves dorks in a real pickle. Dorks, you see, generally only date other dorks. It’s kind of a fraternity. And usually there are an odd number of dorks at any given school. As a rule, male dorks outnumber female dorks by a 3 to 1 margin. I think I saw a CNN poll on that just the other night.

Most boys are born dorks and only a handful ever snap out of it, which explains why high school girls prefer older guys. When they’re freshmen they want to date sophomores, when they’re sophomores they want to date juniors, etc.

They don’t start dating younger guys until they hit 30, when all the older guys have become dorks again.

Evolution at its worst.

So unless this outsiders ban is lifted, at least a third of the dorks at Carson High School won’t find a date to the prom. Not unless they go by themselves, which a true dork really wouldn’t have a problem with. Real dorks are actually quite secure with themselves, even when it comes to dancing alone.

There will also be a good number of “normal” girls who will either have to go to the prom with a dork, go alone, or stay home. Normal girls don’t date dorks unless they have to, or unless they have something up their sleeves.

I made a big mistake at my own Senior Prom. I asked a very popular cheerleader to go and she said yes. As soon as we got to the prom she dumped me like a wet newspaper. I’m guessing she just wanted to make her boyfriend mad and I became her Token Dork.

Years of therapy and I’m still not past it, as you can tell.

What girls (and administrators) need to understand is that today’s dorks generally become tomorrow’s millionaires. Bill Gates was a bonafide, pizza-eating, computer-gazing, bottle-glasses dork. There are lots and lots of women out there who probably had a great laugh or two at Bill’s expense back in high school.

The ultimate Dork’s Revenge.

If the ban isn’t lifted, the dorks should go to the Senior Prom with or without a date. Pull out the worst polyester suits they can find, a pair of old sneakers and some Coke bottle glasses and go to the prom. Bring a laptop along, just in case someone wants to play a video game, or log onto the official Star Wars web site. Test out trajectory theories by launching olives over the dance floor.

You know…the kind of stuff that makes dorks what they are.

And next year, if the ban is still in place, it’ll be time to get naked. It may not have been pretty back then, but it was effective. If there’s anything worse than a dork, it’s a naked one.