Trina Machacek: Watch out for the rabbit holes
Some time ago I stepped up to the plate of life admitting I do not know how to spit. Telling of drool that spreads from my spirited spit covered mouth down my chin all the way to the ground where just beyond my shoe anything I try to spit out usually lands. Yes without a doubt I admitted that I cannot spit very, very well. Again I’m up to the plate of life admitting I am not the best at measuring either. Or ither. Like tomato, tomaaato. Potato, potaaatato. Anyway.
Measuring in life sometimes can be haphazard like looking at a size chart when ordering clothes. You have seen them I bet. Oh I wear a size 12 for sure just look, look at the size chart. Waist 34-46. HAHA Bust 32-57 HAHA. You only see what you want. Or like adding salt to the cookie recipe from your great-great grand mother. Just a pinch. How much is a pinch? Is a pinch of salt the same size as a pinch you get on St. Patrick’s Day if you don’t wear green? That’s kind of like saying a size 12 hip measurement is 22-64. Not even in the same hemisphere so to speak. So you adjust things to fit your pinch. Your pinch is your pinch and it is unique to your finger and thumb. But! Yes a sizeable “but.” But in that clothing stuff. Well here’s the latest story.
Knowing better AND not knowing better I clicked on an ad on Facebook where I saw some really cute summery tops. I am always on the look out for a cute new cotton top for summer so down the rabbit hole I got sucked. I found not one but two that made me feel all girly. I ordered them, in my regular size. Just you never mind what my regular size is. Suffice to say it is not extra small!
The web site looked just like any regular clothing site. Different styles, different departments, men, women, kids, dogs, ferrets. Well not ferrets, but had they offered stuff for ferrets my antenna might have stood up. In retrospect I wish they had offered stuff for ferrets. That would have saved me from what happened as the sucking down the rabbit hole continued.
After a few weeks, yes weeks, the tops arrived. I was of course excited to see what I had ordered because by then I forgot. You know? I think something inside me said I was in trouble because I usually rip open packages like a bear trying to get inside a fresh salmon. Well there’s a yummy visual. But when this package came I took out my kitchen scissors and carefully opened the sack and retrieved the two garments. Well they were still cute. I have good taste. If not good antenna. I took the first one out and tried it on in the privacy of my room. Now I could blame the fit on the fact that it was late in the afternoon. Like you don’t try on shoes late in the afternoon because your feet are all big and stuff. Well this fit was so bad that even the scarecrow would’ve been scared out of his corn field. So I went on to the second one. What are the chances both would be wrong? Out came this cutie and well that one… The sleeves that were supposed to be short because it was a summer top? One was down to my elbow and one was up about three inches above what you know as a farmer’s tan line. Oh and the bust? Not even one of those HUGE safety pins with the cute blue plastic elephant head that mothers used on cloth diapers would close that space. AARRGGHH.
It was OK because I have returned things before. Not often but sometimes. So I looked for paperwork to fill out and zip these back to Chino, California where they were shipped from. (Chino, that’s important.) Well there was no paperwork in the package that I was now glad I carefully opened. I was still being sucked down the rabbit hole. I went online to find the website and gather up information about returning these very weirdly sewn and sized pieces of ___ . FYI I am a lady so you put in the word you normally use. HAHA I’m shortening this last part. It turns out that to return these ugly, ill fitting, sucked down the rabbit hole pieces of cloth I will need to return them to—ready? All the way to a Mrs. Huang in CHINA! Yeah, my credit card company is on it. Just be aware of rabbit holes in your path.
Trina lives in Eureka, Nevada. Find her on Facebook, Instagram or at email@example.com.