A real scary story: What happened to ozone layer?

Perhaps we're just a people of short-term thinking. Maybe that's why we really aren't too concerned with the gaping hole 12 to 30 miles above our heads.

After all, by the time things really heat up we'll be long gone and so will our children.

But if scientists are correct, our children's children had better be good swimmers.

I bring this up because it's an election year. It's also Halloween and there's nothing like a real-life spooky story to get the scary juices flowing.

Amid the news stories of the Middle East, World Series, Wall Street and presidential debates was the latest report on the impending end of the world. It was almost an afterthought.

"In other news mankind learned this week that the hole in the ozone layer is bigger than scientists thought and are predicting the world will end sometime around Christmas, 2100."

I know. It's just a ploy by those "damned environmentalists" to take away our consitutional right to suck carbon dioxide. But still it makes you wonder just a little, doesn't it?

I mean, shouldn't we be a teentsie-weentsie bit worried that earth will be reduced to a giant swimming pool if we don't patch the hole?

When asked what they thought about the hole, presidential hopefuls G.W. Bush and Al Gore seemed unimpressed.

"Well, now," said G.W. "I'm not saying the ozone layer isn't important, mind you. It's probably good that we have an ozone layer.... Isn't it?"

Al Gore blamed Republicans for the hole in the ozone layer. "As you know, most Republicans drive large cars," he said. "They also use a lot of hair spray and you know what hair spray does to the ozone layer."

Both candidates promised that if they are elected they'd keep a sharp eye on the ozone layer.

"I'll look out the window every chance I get," said G.W. "I'll even keep the widow shades open on Air Force One."

"I say to you today, that if I'm elected to serve you I will not only keep an eye on the ozone layer, I will lock it up and make sure the Republicans can't get at it," said Gore. "And I'll do the same for Social Security, rap music and Bill Clinton's videos."

On the local front, candidates for Carson City mayor and supervisor all said the ozone layer was pretty much out of their jurisdiction.

"I brought Costco here," said one candidate. "And when I did that I knew they sold sunglasses at pretty good prices. So Carson City residents can be assured that if the sun gets too hot they'll have a place to go without driving all the way to Reno."

"That's what he says," replied one of the challengers. "The fact is, the hole in the ozone layer got bigger under his administration. When I was on the board of supervisors the ozone layer was as solid as a rock. Now look at it. It's got holes all over the place."

By way of background, the ozone layer is formed by the action of sunlight on oxygen. It's what protects us from the full force of the sun's ultraviolet radiation.

Humans - Democrats, Republicans and even a few Communists - have been altering the composition of the atmosphere with carbon dioxide, methane, nitrous oxide and other chemicals that make your eyes water and lungs explode. Visit India, China, or Southeast Asia some time and you'll get a pretty good sense of that. Many Asians wear hosptial masks when they go outside.

Those chemicals have put a hole, or thinned region, in the ozone layer and earth is getting warmer.

More sun is good if you're in the skin cancer or cataract business. It's also good if you have solar heating or if your name is George Hamilton, or have a swimsuit part in Bay Watch.

But there's a far greater downside. Especially if you need food to survive and can't swim.

According to scientists, the 20th century's 10 warmest years have all ocurred within the last 15 years. Snow cover in the Northern Hemisphere and floating ice have decreased during that period, causing the sea level to rise 4-10 inches over the past century. Sea levels are predicted to rise two feet along most of the U.S. coast by the end of this century.

Not a big deal for Carson City, but a real bummer if you own a beachfront home.

While scientists are unable to determine which parts of the U.S. will become wetter or drier, they are certain there will be more rain, more intense rain storms and drier soils.

They also say that "deserts may expand into existing rangelands and that the character of some of our national parks may be permanently altered."

And if that's not enough, crops will die and cable television will probably crap out.

But don't worry about it. That's 100 years down the road and lots can happen between now and then. We could have a nuclear war. Terrorists could blow up New York. Or, perhaps we'll simply be dot-commed to death.

In the meantime, enjoy the weather and wear a hat.

Jeff Ackerman is publisher and editor of the Nevada Appeal.