Come out, come out wherever you are

While the hunt is on for Osama and Omar, my search for a leader-at-large has kept me closer to home. I am trying to find some evidence of Vice President Dick Cheney, who on the world stage is looking sort of wimpy, with all due respect.

Has anyone else besides me wondered what he's been up to since Sept. 11?

I wouldn't reveal his secret hiding place, but, like the Wizard of Oz, I think he needs to step out from behind the curtain occasionally to assure the American public that he is still our vice president and doing something constructive to earn his $79,125 annual salary (plus $10,000 in expenses).

Thanks to the Internet, I did my investigative legwork with a keyboard. My cybersearch took me to interesting and exotic locations.

Never one to overlook the obvious, I innocently logged onto www.whitehouse.com.

My mistake.

As the computer screen flashed bare-naked ladies before my wondering eyes, I concluded right away that this was not George Washington's (or George Bush's) White House.

"We are the world leader in adult and political entertainment," boasts the trailer for anyone who bothers to read. "This Whitehouse has been featured on ABC News, CNN, C-Net, MSNBC, NBC Dateline and Newsweek."

And now, thanks to me, they can add Nevada Appeal to their credits.

In case you are curious, the January magazine promotes "Hollywood Hooters." Call me Cleo, but I predict the February issue will feature "Hooters of Hollywood." I did catch a glimpse of twins. For their parents sake, I hope it wasn't Jenna and what's-her-name.

You may be thinking I spent an awful lot of time there, but I assure you, dear reader, it was pure research.

Next, I tried www.whitehouse.org. At first blush, it looks official. But there is a Tom Daschle target and a link to the Department of Faith. The fine print indicates the spoof site is the work of Chickenhead Productions Parody.

At least everyone was dressed.

Not wishing to press my luck any longer, I went to Internet search and looked for White House. The official Web site, it turns out, is www.whitehouse.gov.

There are pictures of the fully clothed President and Mrs. Bush as well as Spotty, the Bush Springer Spaniel. In light of the recent demise of President Clinton's dog Buddy, I thought that was rather insensitive.

If you click on Spotty, you go to the White House Kids page, where the First Dog has a written a story. We like to wonder in our industry about the quality of the output created by chaining cigarette-smoking monkeys to typewriters. It seems the White House has beat us to it.

I clicked on the Vice President's link to see what's what. The last we heard officially from Mr. Cheney was Nov. 15 -- almost two months ago. The site includes a biography, but no forwarding address.

While I was looking for the Vice President in all the wrong places, I kept stumbling upon news of Sen. Joseph Lieberman, Cheney's opponent in the 2000 presidential election. Mr. Lieberman, literally, is all over the map. He is in Washington holding hearings and this week traveled to Afghanistan.

My Cheney Check turned up the following data:

At the New York Times web site, I searched for "Dick Cheney." In the past 30 days, the vice president's name appears 129 times. Typing in "Joseph Lieberman," I came up with 450 references in the past month.

Hopping over to the Washington Post Web site, I performed the same task. From Dec. 26 through Jan. 8, Vice President Cheney shows up five times while Sen. Lieberman has 13 matches. To be fair, one of the hits is an opinion written by Sen. Lieberman criticizing the vice president for his stand on military tribunals.

It gave me a measure of comfort to know that the vice president I voted for -- the guy who lost -- is acting much more vice presidential in these trying times than the one who won.

I understand the need for security, but if my 91-year-old neighbor, Aunt Bea, can drive herself down the block to the senior center every day to add a couple more hours to the thousands she has volunteered, what is with the vice president?

I wish he would stop by and let her serve him a cup of coffee. If his cover is blown we could find plenty of new "undisclosed locations" in Nevada. We've got your caves, we've got your casinos, people have come here to lose themselves for years. We're even home to the nationally recognized Armpit of America. Who would think of looking for him there?

Sheila Gardner is night desk editor of the Nevada Appeal.