Finally, a TV network just for the men

At long last, men are getting the recognition we deserve.

We're getting our own TV network.

It will be called Spike TV and will arrive June 16, when TNN changes its name and goes exclusively for the male market.

"We just like the idea of having a guy's name," said Albie Hecht, network president, in making the announcement. "We thought that was smart and fun and irreverent."

Actually, Albie, I think Spike might be a dog's name. But what the heck.

I'm really excited about having a television network specifically for men. It's only fair, because women have WE and Oxygen and Lifetime. Animals have their own network. Homes and gardens have their own network. Why not men?

Actually, I hear what you're saying. Isn't ESPN for men? Isn't the History Channel for men? Isn't television pretty much invented for men to keep them from messing up the rest of the house?

Well, kind of. There is stuff on all the channels that might very well interest men. And when you get right down to it, there probably isn't anything more manly than the mind-numbing marathon of the NFL draft recently shown "live" on ESPN.

I can't think of a better network than TNN -- originally The Nashville Network, and for the last couple of years The National Network -- to take a stab at a manly network just for men.

It seems like a natural evolution to go from "Dukes of Hazzard" and tractor pulls to "Star Trek: The Next Generation" and on to adult-oriented cartoons being developed for Spike TV like "Gary the Rat" and "Stripperella."

Now we're talkin'.

Other new programs in the works -- and I'm not making this up -- include "A Guy and His Stuff," about gadgets that all men will want to possess; and "Top 10 Things Every Guy Should Experience," which I thought would be about sex, but is actually about going to places like the Super Bowl.

You know you've made it as a gender when you can be easily stereotyped. Cartoons. Sex. Sports. Cartoons about sports. Sports about sex. Cartoons about sex in sports.

But if Viacom -- which owns MTV Networks, which owns TNN, which is about to become Spike TV -- has done its focus-group research, it knows the TV-watching habits of men.

They have five-second attention spans, and the most important gadget in the room is the remote control.

A true man's TV network would not be named Spike -- nor "Grunt and Scratch," as one person suggested -- it should be called Switch.

"The Lakers score and go up by seven ...."

Click.

"Web Gems coming up next on Sports Center ...."

Click.

".... in one of the greatest naval battles of World War I ...."

Click.

" ... under partly cloudy skies with a high of 62 .....

Click.

"Elsewhere in Iraq today, coalition troops reinforced several strategic locations ...."

Click.

You get the idea. Now if there were a TV network that constantly scanned all the other TV networks to eliminate the advertisements and only bring you the manly bits -- without the bother of actually having to use your thumb on the remote -- now, that would be something.

"Spike TV captures the attributes and essence of what we want the first network for men to be," Hecht told MediaWeek. "It's unapologetically male; it's active; it's smart and contemporary with a personality that's aggressive and irreverent. This is a first major step in our journey to super-serving men in a way no one has done before."

I can't remember the last time I was super-served anything, except in the drive-up window at the fast-food place.

I can only offer them my best wishes. And my hopes that Spike TV will at least be a step up the evolutionary ladder from Comedy Central's "The Man Show," which has beer-guzzling and girls jumping on trampolines as regular features.

Frankly, however, I have my doubts whether any network aimed specifically at men can succeed in the long run. Television depends on advertising, and TV commercials depend on someone actually watching them.

What the focus groups couldn't tell Viacom is something every family knows: The best men's TV does one thing, and it does it well.

It puts men to sleep.

Barry Smith is editor of the Nevada Appeal.