Arrival of the Holiday Pandemic

saw one! I saw one! That means Christmas is coming " hurrah!

I was beginning to get worried because I hadn't seen one yet, but last night at Wal-Mart I saw my first one of the season.

I was cruising down the shampoo aisle, cause it's the aisle of love and, well, I needed shampoo. There he was in the Christmas section. I noticed the signs right away: the furrowed brow, the panicking eyes, the shaking hands. This guy had it bad.

It was clear this poor fellow was suffering from what I like to call Attached Stress Syndrome. It's a rare-but-serious disorder that only occurs around the holidays, and as far as I know, has only been diagnosed in men.

Attached Stress Syndrome is found in men who are in relationships and can't find the perfect present for their girlfriends, or think the present they have found isn't good enough.

The syndrome, known in the Latin as Shallowus girlfriendicus, is a form of extreme gift anxiety based on perceived guilt or learned behavior.

Let me give you an example. When I was in high school, I had a girlfriend who told me this gut-wrenching story about this dragon puppet her grandfather used to use to tell her stories as a child. It was destroyed when she moved and her grandfather died, blah blah blah " very sad.

So I decided to replace it. I went to two dozen stores looking for a dragon puppet and finally found one at a store 60 miles away. So I spent the $30 and bought it.

When I gave it to her, she liked it, but not to the extent I had hoped. To make it worse, she got me a $300 mini-disc player.

Ever since, I worry about buying presents for a significant other. Is her gift better than mine? Did I guess wrongly? Is it sending the wrong message? Should I have gotten the one that doesn't vibrate? Just like that, an Attached Stress Syndrome patient was born.

What makes it worse, I think, is the incessant holiday guilt trip put on men by jewelry companies. I should point out that part of my hatred is because I am forced to hear how my name is the same as that jewelry store. For those of you who just sang the jingle, yes, that jewelry store.

But seriously, these campaigns have gotten hard core.

"Nothing says love like a diamond."

"Show her what she means to you, with a diamond."

"She'll never sleep with you again, unless you buy her a diamond."

"Her last boyfriend (the doctor with the size-14 shoes) would have bought her a diamond."

Now, I don't for a minute think that women are that shallow, but let's face it, men are stupid, and we believe it. Hell, I'm single and I'm close to buying diamonds " just in case.

In the past, I, too, have been afflicted with Attached Stress Syndrome, and it ain't pretty.

The guilt begins building right after Halloween. Then, just days after Thanksgiving, it reaches a crescendo worse than the gastrointestinal fireworks following Taco Night.

You fight it for as long as you can, but eventually you become distrustful of everyone, including your girlfriend, convinced that the sparkle is the only option.

"She told me she wanted a new bathrobe and some bath salts, but I'm onto her game. When do you use a bathrobe? When you get out of the shower, so she wants me to 'shower' her with diamonds. I'm a genius!"

Most of the time, the sufferer's friends intervene before it's too late. But sadly, sometimes they don't and well, you know what happens. Man gets Attached Stress Syndrome. Man searches stores for perfect gift, fails. Man attempts to sell kidney on black market to finance diamond necklace. Man gets hep C. Man unknowingly gives hep C to girlfriend. Shame spiral begins.

So remember, don't listen to the television because what it tells you are lies. Except the Victoria Secret commercials, those are all totally true.

(See, I told you men are stupid).

Ever had gift anxiety? Tell me about it.