All right, I'm not going to lie to you. As I sit here in my new lounge pants featuring laughing cows (thanks, Mom), nursing some coffee that is very proud of its Irish heritage, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die.
Will someone please, for the love of sweet butter-churning Christ, just put that cat out of its misery?
That's right, The Party of One is hung over, and apparently writing in the third person. Like we all didn't see that coming eventually.
But this current state does offer a unique opportunity. You see, with a diminished mental capacity, The Party of One is better able to connect with the universal energy and manipulate the time sphere, thereby allowing him to peer into the all-seeing eye and discern the future.
Hold on, I gotta throw up.
OK, maybe the upside-down margaritas weren't such a good idea, especially by myself.
Without further ado, The Party of One offers his predictions for 2007.
1) The Party of One will never touch upside-down margaritas again. From now on, it's margaritas the regular way or no margaritas at all.
2) After months of partying, Britney Spears will announce that she is giving up show business to focus on her new passion " becoming more like Elizabeth Taylor. She has the perfume and is developing the reputation; all that's left is several ill-advised marriages and 300 pounds.
Bring on the fried bologna sandwiches!
3) In the most heartbreaking moment of the year, improbable success story Barbaro will attempt to race again. In no way affected by the thousands of get-well cards sent to him (because he is after all not Mr. Ed and can't read or understand English), the horse breaks his leg and is promptly sold to Elmer's.
4) Ryan Seacrest will announce that he is in love " with Lance Bass. The world collectively doesn't care.
5) The final Harry Potter book will hit shelves, and, just as Party of One predicted years ago, Harry will die. Begin preparing yourself now, because it's gonna happen. In the most asinine move of the year, someone will organize a funeral and thousands will show up to grieve " FOR A MADE-UP CHARACTER.
The experience will cause The Party of One to take up upside-down margaritas again.
Now for the outcomes of some celebrity matters:
Nicole Richie " Found guilty, ordered to eat one cup of butter and cornstarch a day until she hits a normal weight.
Branagelina " breaks up after Angie catches Brad watching "Friends" reruns from a pirated television signal in Namibia.
Haley Joel Osment " mates with Dakota Fanning, creating a new "super child," with an unparalleled level of cuteness who never lives up to his/her potential.
Ralph Macchio " Found guilty of murder when deputies find the black stockings.
Elvis " Still dead.
Michael Jackson " Still creepy.
On a personal note, The Party of One predicts that he will still not be able to talk to his super smokin' hot neighbor. Don't know her name, don't know anything about her, but she seems perfect.
But the most accurate prediction has to be that I'm going to consume a Burger King Spicy Chicken Sandwich in like 10 minutes. Best hangover cure in the world, I tell ya " well, second best.
Nothing beats upside-down margaritas.
Tell me your thoughts on 2007, I dare ya.
- Jarid Shipley is a reporter for the Nevada Appeal. Contact him a email@example.com or 881-1217.