Oh, Thanksgiving - the annoying friend of a holiday that nobody really likes but is forced to put up with because he always brings his awesome buddy Christmas with him.
As you may have figured out, I am not a fan of this holiday - which might seem odd since on the surface it's about gluttony and sloth, my two favorite sins.
But, alas, society has attached "meaning" to Thanksgiving and ruined it, thereby forcing me to flee from society for this day.
Because my parents are all the way across the country, I usually spend this day alone.
But not this year; this year I have found a soul mate whom I have corrupted to see the evil that is a "meaningful" Thanksgiving.
It wasn't a hard sell - Kate, do you like turkey?
"Not particularly," I imagine her saying in a British accent. (She's not British, I just like to imagine her with different accents.)
Kate, do you like stuffing?
"Not really." (Australian that time).
How about yams?
"Not at all." (I didn't know she spoke Chinese).
So we decided to skip the traditional Thanksgiving dinner, remove the parts we didn't like, substitute in some stuff we did and come up with something we would enjoy.
Removing: Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberry sauce, yams, corn, gravy, squash, rolls, fruit salad, Jell-O salad, salad-salad, cheese logs, spinach dip, green bean casserole and crackers.
So, our Thanksgiving meal will consist of lobster, homemade macaroni and cheese and homemade pumpkin pie.
She also agreed to my long-standing "no pants" rule.
But all these getting-what-I-wanted-for-Thanksgiving feelings have forced me to almost enjoy this little "short bus" of a holiday and I decided to let my positive inner voice speak. Maybe I should think about some things I'm thankful for.
How hard can this be, Jarid, just come up with some nice positive things you are thankful for. OK here we go ...
I'm thankful for Kate, who is a wonderful girl that I don't deserve.
Good, that's good, very positive. Let's do another one ...
I'm thankful for my friends and family, who continue to refuse to testify against me.
OK, slightly creepy but still positive, keep going ...
I'm thankful that some jackass chef convinced everyone to stick fruit in every conceivable dish, thereby ruining perfectly good fat kid food. Pears with sausage, freakin cranberries with stuffing, oranges with pasta, APPLES IN MEATLOAF.
OK, good try, but maybe less yelling and frothing at the mouth. I don't think "jackass" conveys positivity.
I'm thankful that Dumbledore was outed. It had been too long since the crazy nut jobs have been given a reason to denounce the book series as evil.
"Oh no, the entirely made up character is gay! Horrors, has it secretly made our children gay? From now on it's only Westerns in our house. Manly Westerns like that 'Brokeback Mountain.'"
Something positive, hmmmm, well at least you used PG-rated adjectives.
But you know what I am most thankful for - I'm most thankful that tomorrow some idiot will point out that there's only 33 days 'til Christmas, and I will be so full that I won't care.
Happy Thanksgiving - or whatever.
What are you thankful for? Tell me about it on the Party of One blog at www.nevadaappeal.com/partyofone
• Jarid Shipley is the Features Editor for the Nevada Appeal. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or 881-1217.