My motivation for overcoming pain? Avoiding the doctor

I don't know what I did to anger the gods and make them take revenge by causing them to provide me with excruciating pain in my upper back, but two things are certain: I probably deserve it and it doesn't appear to be going away.

I was fine, going about my normal business the other day, when I realized I forgot to put my contacts in, so I walked upstairs to do just that.

About five steps up, something popped and I collapsed to the floor in agonizing pain. It took several minutes to crawl to the bed, where I remained for awhile, silently wondering what I would do if the pain didn't subside.

It's really an interesting debate, because there are two distinct parts of my brain that believe totally different things.

The left " or logical " side believes that I am a wuss and that pain is part of life and I should "walk it off" and get back to work.

The right " or creative " side believes that this is a sign from my body that I need to slow down and take time to heal.

Stop being a wiener, it can't hurt that bad. All you did was walk up some stairs, a 90-year-old woman can do that. Are you more pathetic than a 90-year-old woman?

You leave him alone, he is obviously in pain and needs to rest. You just stay there and take deep breaths. Don't rush it, just take your time. Perhaps you should consider taking a day off " you know take some "me" time.

He doesn't need any "me" time. As much time as he spends in the bathroom, he's plenty "connected" with himself.

That's not what I mean, this is a sign that he should slow down.

The only thing my personalities agree on is that I will not be going to the doctor.

Why? Because I " like most men " will do anything possible to avoid spending time in a doctor's office.

Any kind of doctor, if you have a white coat and the letters "D" and "R" in your title, you ain't gonna meet me. The only exception to this is optometrists and that's only because they provide me the ability to see.

Since other doctors usually don't provide me with such tangible results, I avoid them like that fat girl on the dance floor.

My lack of desire to seek medical help is, I believe, derived from two sources: Past experience and frugality.

Having had two major surgeries and being a clumsy child, I spent a fair amount of time around doctors in my youth, creating a Pavlovian response.

Doctor = pain. If not physical pain, emotional pain. You see every doctor I went to from age 10 on told me I was fat.

The most memorable was put to me like this: "Mrs. Shipley your son is 80 percent taller than children his age and 80 percent heavier that children his age. (Turns to look at Jarid) Try to cut down on the sweets, OK chubby?"

Seriously.

Sadly, that is not the main reason I loathe the medical profession. It's economics.

Doctors are expensive, so why would a (seemingly) perfectly healthy 26-year-old adult need to pay $100 bucks for someone else to tell him that?

I work out, I eat right (mostly), I don't smoke, I am aware of my family medical history, I take vitamins " if something is going to happen to me, it's gonna be because I'm stupid or because it's gonna happen anyway.

This stance, while common among men my age " and let's face it every age " baffles women.

Take for example, my father. He was getting into a car to drive two hours to pick my mom up from the airport, fell on a sheet of ice and broke his upper arm where it connects with the shoulder.

Did he go to the emergency room? Yes, but only after riding (my sister drove) two hours to get my mom and two hours back and then only after being forced to by my mom.

His logic (and I agree with him): What is the doctor gonna do? Tell him it's broken and put it in a sling " not worth the $1,000 emergency room visit.

The only way most of us will go to the doctor? If we severed something important or if we are forced to, usually with a firearm.

Thankfully, Kate doesn't own any firearms and there is no way I severed my back, so it looks like my streak of 3,285 doctor-free days will remain intact.

Now, excuse me while I go pass out.

Don't like doctors? Tell me about it on the Party of One blog at nevadaappeal.com/partyofone

- Jarid Shipley is the Features Editor for the Nevada Appeal. Contact him a jshipley@nevadaappeal.com or 881-1217. >