Medicated penguins and other random thoughts

This may not come as a surprise to most of you, but there are times when I sit down to write a column and I just don’t have much to say … no really, it’s true. This is one of those times so instead of boring you with a long meaningless rant on a specific subject, I’m going to bore you with some random thought in short meaningless rants.

For example, I think the recent trend toward legalizing marijuana is a good thing. I’m not a pot head (anymore), like most Americans I get my chemical amusement from booze and prescription medication, but I think that stoners make a unique contribution to American culture. Let’s face it, nobody else is going to engage in an in-depth debate over whether Underdog or Super Chicken had the coolest theme song, but stoners will and I think that’s a discussion this country needs!

Is anyone else over the whole pageantry of the Olympic opening ceremonies? Maybe I’m just a grumpy old man but I really don’t care about a graphic presentation of the history of Russia. I just want to watch the heart pounding action of world class athletes competing in thrill-a-minute winter sports … like women’s curling!

There’s just something about broom wielding women from around the world furiously sweeping and yelling “Yup” that just does it for me. I still have my 2010 Women of Olympic Curling calendar … can’t wait for the new one to come out!

I read an article about some 23-year-old moron in El Paso who is facing up to two years in prison for urinating on the Alamo. This genius apparently couldn’t hold it long enough to walk to one of the many public restroom available at the Alamo and decided to relieve himself on the wall of the 260-year-old landmark.

It turns out that taking a leak on the Alamo is a felony in Texas (who knew?) and the local district attorney is asking for the maximum penalty of two years in jail stating, “The message here is don’t whiz on the Alamo.” You can’t make this stuff up!

Valentine’s Day is here again and I just don’t care. Valentine’s Day is a lose-lose situation for guys because we either forget it altogether or give an inappropriate gift and end up in the doghouse. If you give a card and flowers, you haven’t given it any effort which means you don’t care enough but if you give expensive jewelry it means you are trying too hard and are either desperate or making up for something she hasn’t discovered yet … or so I’m told.

I saw a commercial last night suggesting that nothing says “I love you” like sending your beloved an oversized stuffed bear. Really? Speaking strictly for myself, I’d have to think twice about a relationship with a woman who’d want an oversized stuffed bear … unless she was on the Russian women’s curling team!

How do you know when a penguin is depressed? I saw an article about some penguins at a maritime sanctuary in England who were reportedly depressed because there was just too much rain lately. The penguin experts at the sanctuary decided that the birds needed some prescription “happy pills” to cheer them up. I guess marijuana isn’t legal in England yet either.

A professor at Central Michigan University is offering a “Walking Dead Zombie Studies” class. Remember when going to college was to educate you to be a productive member of society? Apparently going to Central Michigan University will educate you on how to survive the zombie apocalypse. Maybe if we taught chemistry, medicine or engineering we could avoid a zombie apocalypse altogether … or maybe we could manufacture stuff again or cure cancer or just keep the lights on in Detroit. Maybe I’m aiming too high.

I read that police in Colorado cited a 10-year-old girl who put her mom’s car in gear and crashed into a building for reckless driving. Are you kidding me? Of course she was driving recklessly, she’s ten years old! I’m thinking either the policeman or her mother must have been smoking some of that legal “Rocky Mountain High” that they sell in Colorado.

I could ramble on all day about random stuff, but there’s a curling match coming on the tube in a few minutes! I wonder if the new calendar is out yet …

Rick Seley is an award winning humor columnist.


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