Faith & Insight: Do you still love me?

After our son Johnny passed away from cancer on Father’s Day 1990 at age 17, I was invited to attend a youth summit conference in Fort Worth, Texas, later that year.

Johnny had hoped to go, but I ended up going in his place. There would be 6,000 youth gathered together for the conference. Our team was led by our oldest son who was our youth pastor at the time. I was delighted to be able to hang out with all of John’s friends and be a youth sponsor for the event. It was a great comfort to me.

We were exhausted from our trip; it took much longer than anticipated to arrive and none of our luggage made it to the carousel. It was delayed but should catch up with us in the next 24-48 hours. We cleaned up the best we could wearing our travel clothes and looking a bit worse for wear and headed to the first session.

The speaker was already talking when we settled in our seats. It was difficult to stay alert because we were so tired from traveling. But my ears perked up when I heard the speaker ask, “Do you love me?” from the text in John 21.

Jesus is asking “Peter, do you love me?” I knew the text well. At that moment, I heard the Lord’s voice. “Peggy, do you love me?” I looked around wondering if anyone else had heard what I was hearing. I quietly responded, “Yes, Lord, I love you! With all of my heart!

I’m serving you, and here I am at this conference. I’ve given you my all … even the life of our son!” I heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit once again, “Peggy, do you still love me?” I immediately got a picture in my mind of our three other sons, and I saw myself clinging to them. “I love you Lord, but you can’t have these boys!”

God was asking me to let go — let all our sons go into his loving care. To trust him for their well-being. I cried and let God have my grief, and my disappointment that Johnny wasn’t healed.

We had dedicated all of our boys to the Lord when they were young, but I realized it was time to surrender my hold and give our boys back to the Lord once more. I said, “Yes, Lord. Not my will, but your will be done for each one of our sons.”

What about you? Do you love him? Do you still love him after what you’ve gone through? Whether it’s loss of job, a family fracture, divorce, or death, whatever it is… it’s time to open your hands, open your heart, let it go, and trust God again.

“When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again, Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?”

He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.” John 21:15-17

Rev. Peggy Locke is assisting minister at Reno Hillside Foursquare Church, specialized chaplain, co-founding pastor of Carson City Foursquare Church.