Well I didn’t see THAT coming! As a rule I don’t write political humor, and don’t worry, I’m not going to start now, but I have to admit that I was wrong about this election. If you had offered me a bet a year ago that Mr. Trump was going to win this election, I would have lost that bet 10 times out of 10; so I was wrong.
Of course. me being wrong isn’t anything to get too excited about. I have been wrong about who would win six out to the 11 presidential elections I have participated in so I’m right about as often as a coin toss…maybe a little less. If I’m brutally honest with myself I’d have to admit that I’m wrong more often than I’m right about most things.
For example, I have predicted that the Kansas City Chiefs would win the Super Bowl every year since the Super Bowl was invented, yes I am older than the Super Bowl. For those of you who are not NFL historians that means I have right exactly once and wrong XLIX times.
Yes, I picked them again this year…it could happen!
I boldly predicted that reality TV was a passing fad that had run it’s course after the second season of Survivor, that MC Hammer would be the end of rap music in 1991, that Jerry Seinfeld would never amount to anything. Clearly I’m not an expert on how to entertain people (as if this column isn’t proof enough of that.)
For the record I was stone cold sober when I stated for an absolute fact that Pamela Anderson was the only woman who would ever stimulate me on an emotional and intellectual level and that she would someday bear my children. Also for the record that restraining order has expired, and I am free to write her name again and the devil returned my soul after failing to deliver on his end of that bargain.
What a gyp!
I remember telling my friends that we should pay attention in algebra, trigonometry and calculus class because they wouldn’t be teaching us that stuff if it wasn’t going to be a critical part of adulthood. Sheesh, what did they expect to learn in school, how to fill out a 1040 Form or a job application?
Over the years my investment portfolio has included such financial winners as American Motors, Blockbuster and Betamax. Heck, I was doing so well for a while that I decided to sink the family fortune in a chain of strip mall photo-booths. Um…that was wrong…way wrong.
I firmly believed that Billy Ray Cyrus could be the next Hank Williams, that eventually people would stop saying, “Have a nice day” and that someday the French would be relevant again. Wrong, still wrong and what the hell was I thinking?
After a lifetime of being wrong way more often than I’m right I’ve learned that being isn’t the end of the world. It’s painful and expensive sometimes and embarrassing other times but for the most part it just doesn’t matter. I am a San Diego Padre fan…the ultimate proof of being perpetually wrong, but I still look forward to baseball season because baseball is more fun than being right.
Years ago an uninsured motorist ran a stop sign and T-boned my car. She was cited for the accident and she was clearly wrong but my car was smashed and I still had to pay the $500 deductible. I was in the right but, believe me, watching the Padres lose is a lot more fun than that was.
For the record I don’t always vote for the candidate I think is going to win the election, and I’m not going to tell you who I voted for this time because our votes have been counted and we have a new president-elect.
Did we get it right? Hell, I’m a humor columnist and I’ve still got a Bob Dole ’96 bumper sticker so I don’t know. I do know that he’s our president for the next four years whether we got it right or wrong …so I’m with him.
The truth is I would have said the same thing if she had won because, when it’s all said and done, I’m an American and I’m proud of that. Being proud to be an American is one thing I’ve never been wrong about.
Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.